Patterns

I recently received a distance tarot reading from Clementine. The reading was about the patterns I’m working within and about how to see what serves me and what does not. Many questions were brought up in the reading. Below are the questions that stirred me, and my stream-of-consciousness answers to them.

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What hard work have I been doing lately?

-establishing healthy boundaries with my mom and people who also represent that dynamic 

-being engaged at my job

-moving through my triggers with the kids and trying to create the healthiest dynamics I can – this reminds me that I’m always doing the best I can. That my level is what it is.

-trying to live my ethics through Moonshadow. Monetizing it doesn’t feel right, when I go beyond my comfort zone, I can feel it in my chest. Can it be self-sustaining? What would that look like?

What are my next moves?

-start making products to test out a subscription box

-stop dicking around with people I’m not sure of

-keep working at maintaining and establishing appropriate boundaries

-open myself up to love more

-go out to places to meet new people

-find ways to engage in decolonization in-person with others

What are all the ways I’ve changed my life for the better?

-deciding to be more honest (with and to myself, as well as with others – radical vulnerability)

-getting back into a routine of cleanliness and orderliness

-moving out of toxic relationships

-moving toward self-love

-better understanding love

To what am I giving my energy?

-sometimes to the thought that no one will ever truly love me

-sometimes into appeasing children instead of being something strong from which they can spring forth

-avoiding really starting in with Moonshadow, telling myself things will unfold and come naturally and worrying that I’m not putting enough work into the hard parts

What are my addictions/compulsions/acts that don’t serve me?

-weed sometimes my use is healthy and other times it is not, establishing a TOD curfew on it has been helpful

-checking out through social media and tv, again a curfew helps

-checking in with others for validation instead of with myself, this seems nearly constant, even when I know I’m doing things the way I want, I always feel like I need to check in with others before acting or immediately after

-avoiding the hard work but I’m not yet clear on how to differentiate between worthwhile hard work and fruitless effort.

What needs are being denied such that my compulsions fulfill them?

-weed can range from a sense of connection, wonder and intimacy with myself, with others and with nature to a numbing agent to just subdue subdue subdue myself. Usually this second option is when I haven’t been receiving love from self or otherwise. I’m avoiding the pain of feeling unloved.

-checking out allows me to not fail at something because I never got around to it, it helps me avoid being criticized for not executing something perfectly

-I want validation. I feel bad when I check in with others for it because I want it to come organically. When it does come that way it feels so nourishing. I’m not sure if I need more than I get organically or if I’m still operating under a scarcity model even though I’m no longer living in scarcity.

I don’t want to waste my time.

Cultivate compassion for these needs. Shower them with love and find ways to care for them that are healthy and sustaining.

“Recognize that change comes from finding and meeting repressed needs.”

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Spring planning

To harvest:
-dandelion root (to tincture)
-red raspberry leaves (to dry)

To prepare:

-cut compost, topsoil and manure into garden bed
-plant the 3 sisters
-consider fencing


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Hi! How are you?

People say it all the time.

Someone I recently met expressed to me their frustration about this local (to North America, as far as I know) saying/custom/practice. It seems that often, this is said without actually wanting to know how a person is doing. Like, it’s just the thing you say and don’t really expect an answer other than “Fine, and you?” I felt totally on-board with this person’s assessment and thought to myself “I surely never do this”.

But then, in the weeks that passed, I noticed that I do.

More interestingly, I noticed that I do it when I’m uncomfortable or maybe more accurately, unsure, in some way and my “How are you?” becomes shorthand for, “I’m not sure what your energy is right now, and I’d like some kind of verbal indication so I can know how to proceed with this interaction”.

I think that since many people interpret this shorthand as a platitude, I should practice my way toward asking more completely for the information I’m after. I think another part of it is to practice reading non-verbal cues more accurately. And I think part of this practice must also include answering the question fully, when asked of me, if the context is appropriate. I’m not going to tell some random dude at work about my existential crisis, for example. But maybe I would say that I’m feeling on top of my game when it comes to my current projects at the office.

In which ways are you receptive to people’s inquisitiveness about how you are doing? Which approaches turn you away from sharing?

On this day:

in 2014 – Is this a date?
in 2007 – I’m really missing snow


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This is the meaty part…

…the part where I talk about the importance of this trip I took with Shawn to Vancouver.

5. Travel across Canada (been right, now go left)

My history of vacations is that they have either been me tagging along with my parents — the last one being in 1999 as a “Well, I’m going to die soon…” trip planned by my dad — or have been the kind where I’m broke and staying with relatives or friends or am pregnant or have kids.

This was my first ever adult vacation, where I went and did what I wanted to do and that is a Big Deal to me. I mean, it wasn’t just what I wanted to do, Shawn was traveling with me so he had equal input, but that’s a less thrilling way of telling the same story.

I know that I can get into a super over-planner mode and that once I start, I will not stop until every single minute is planned and I’ve plotted best and alternate routes and have decided where the rest-stops will be and where we should eat and and and I did not even want to go there. We struck a deal: I would diligently scour airfare and get the best flights and Shawn would take care of all of the logistics on arrival.

I had a small wishlist:

-hug a giant tree
-go in the mountains
-go to Wreck beach

During our time there, we did all these things, and more exciting opportunities unfolded and, as we made certain choices, some opportunities were lost and that is the nature of choice. It means that we need to go back to do the things we missed out on!

 

 

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I get REALLY excited about flying.

I got to meet Corinna and I was SO happy about it! <3

I got to meet Corinna and I was SO happy about it! But she was totally pissed (jokes).

We saw this beautiful art before it was fully installed.

We saw this beautiful art before it was fully installed.

I got to hug this big tree!

I got to hug this big tree!

This beach and MOUNTAINS!

This beach and MOUNTAINS!

Right after my first ocean swim of the trip. I loved it! (Third Beach)

Right after my first ocean swim of the trip. I loved it! (Third Beach)

Rock sculptures

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At the Veder River. Shawn got in and floated down the river. I was pretty envious but didn’t have my swim suit.

This is just after the sunset that I've described below. This is so magical.

This is just after the sunset that I’ve described below. This is so magical.

Jerico Beach and MOUNTAINS!

Jericho Beach and MOUNTAINS!

The view out from UBC.

The view out from UBC.

Harisson Lake and MOUNTAINS!

Harisson Lake and MOUNTAINS!

I climbed a willow tree!

I climbed a willow tree!

Hiking in a mountain and looking at MOUNTAINS!

Hiking in a mountain and looking at MOUNTAINS!

A big log across a hot spring.

A big log across a hot spring.

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Within a magical mountain.

 

This was our lunch view in the town of Hope, shortly after having witnessed a man on a bicycle get hit by a taxi, and given our report to the RCMP clearly indicating that the taxi driver was at fault, and the RCMP officer trying to lead us into saying that the indigenous bike rider was at fault. Not Cool.

This was our lunch view in the town of Hope, shortly after having witnessed a man on a bicycle get hit by a taxi, and having given our report to the RCMP clearly indicating that the taxi driver was at fault, and the RCMP officer trying to lead us into saying that the indigenous bike rider was at fault. Not Cool.

In case you couldn’t tell from in the captions of the photos, every time I would see a mountain, I would point and shout MOUNTAIN! I am sure that it was charming.

Obviously, I live tweeted/instagrammed/facebooked the entire thing. If you check that out, you will see entirely different photos and anecdotes than what you see here.

Things I didn’t get photos of but were super important to me as experiences:

  1. Biking through the city, it is city just regular city. But then I would look up ahead and there was what seemed to be a pop-up forest! Like, boring buildings to either side and then the street I was on suddenly starts having these giant giant trees flanking it and they block out all light and I need to sing the words “Magical Fo-Rest!!!!” the entire time I was biking though it. There are many streets like this.
  2. Being in the ocean, up to my nose, being one with the waves and facing the shore and my arms were being a part of the surface of the water and I would feel the suck-back because a wave was coming up behind me and it would lift me up and just BLOOP out from my arms and continue toward the shore and it felt like I had the power to shoot giant waves out from my soul and toward the land.
  3. Experiencing the sunset at Wreck Beach for the first time. I was sitting naked in the sand, reclining on a giant log, facing the ocean and distant mountains. There were a bunch of people who had been there for a while already, playing instruments, chatting, and having a good time. As the sun began to set, everyone started playing their music together, while facing the sun. It felt to me like they were playing for the sun itself. The music was softer and calm but as the sun got more red and the sliver remaining got smaller, the music intensified, and people all over the beach made joyful, exuberant exclamations. As that sliver disappeared, people cheered and clapped and shouted, the music reached it’s climax and then subsided. I declared this to be The Perfect Place.
  4. I realize that most of these have to do with the ocean… I was swimming with real live seals! Shawn and I went to the beach on our last full day and, on our first swim that day, there were two seals checking us out about 10 metres away from us. They seemed just as curious and just as reluctant to get closer as we were. They made seal noises — we pretended to make seal noises. They are my Seal Friends.

This trip will have forever changed me. I learned some important things about myself (yet another post to make), I experienced things outside of my already-lived experience, and I learned new and important ways to be with my partner. Now I’m excited about future travels!

On this day:

In 2012 – delayed gratification
In 2010 – yeah…. access to bike paths was not my impediment
In 2009 – a different kind of vacation
In 2007 – Those things still annoy me – the bike thing less so, maybe only 13%
In 2006 – I’m really hungry right now and seeing this dinner I made is NOT helping.


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