Patterns

I recently received a distance tarot reading from Clementine. The reading was about the patterns I’m working within and about how to see what serves me and what does not. Many questions were brought up in the reading. Below are the questions that stirred me, and my stream-of-consciousness answers to them.

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What hard work have I been doing lately?

-establishing healthy boundaries with my mom and people who also represent that dynamic 

-being engaged at my job

-moving through my triggers with the kids and trying to create the healthiest dynamics I can – this reminds me that I’m always doing the best I can. That my level is what it is.

-trying to live my ethics through Moonshadow. Monetizing it doesn’t feel right, when I go beyond my comfort zone, I can feel it in my chest. Can it be self-sustaining? What would that look like?

What are my next moves?

-start making products to test out a subscription box

-stop dicking around with people I’m not sure of

-keep working at maintaining and establishing appropriate boundaries

-open myself up to love more

-go out to places to meet new people

-find ways to engage in decolonization in-person with others

What are all the ways I’ve changed my life for the better?

-deciding to be more honest (with and to myself, as well as with others – radical vulnerability)

-getting back into a routine of cleanliness and orderliness

-moving out of toxic relationships

-moving toward self-love

-better understanding love

To what am I giving my energy?

-sometimes to the thought that no one will ever truly love me

-sometimes into appeasing children instead of being something strong from which they can spring forth

-avoiding really starting in with Moonshadow, telling myself things will unfold and come naturally and worrying that I’m not putting enough work into the hard parts

What are my addictions/compulsions/acts that don’t serve me?

-weed sometimes my use is healthy and other times it is not, establishing a TOD curfew on it has been helpful

-checking out through social media and tv, again a curfew helps

-checking in with others for validation instead of with myself, this seems nearly constant, even when I know I’m doing things the way I want, I always feel like I need to check in with others before acting or immediately after

-avoiding the hard work but I’m not yet clear on how to differentiate between worthwhile hard work and fruitless effort.

What needs are being denied such that my compulsions fulfill them?

-weed can range from a sense of connection, wonder and intimacy with myself, with others and with nature to a numbing agent to just subdue subdue subdue myself. Usually this second option is when I haven’t been receiving love from self or otherwise. I’m avoiding the pain of feeling unloved.

-checking out allows me to not fail at something because I never got around to it, it helps me avoid being criticized for not executing something perfectly

-I want validation. I feel bad when I check in with others for it because I want it to come organically. When it does come that way it feels so nourishing. I’m not sure if I need more than I get organically or if I’m still operating under a scarcity model even though I’m no longer living in scarcity.

I don’t want to waste my time.

Cultivate compassion for these needs. Shower them with love and find ways to care for them that are healthy and sustaining.

“Recognize that change comes from finding and meeting repressed needs.”

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My Precious

Lately I’ve been working on this little nugget of a dream and it’s germinating and I’m so excited and it’s precious to me.


Thoughts about love.

I’m moving beyond the exciting feeling of overwhelming love.
I’m moving into exploring the depths of the emotion.

What is it to love deeply?
What is it to love someone who may not return that love?
Does love breed more love?
How has my focus shifting from “looking for love” to “exploring love” changed the way I perceive the love that exists around me?

Does love for people, places, things, and non-human beings have different characteristics from one another?

What is tangible about love?

On this day:

In 2009 – juice is not a meal replacement (but I still enjoy it)
In 2008 – meeting the amazing Julie Keon for the first time
In 2006 – if I had to re-do this today, calling the police would not have happened
In 2005 – back when kindness was a thing we shared


With each day that passes I am closer to death.

rust spine

My body doesn’t recover as well as it once did, and I dare say, is degenerating noticeably,  but my spiritual and emotional self becomes more capable with time.

Maybe death is the letting go of the need for a body and moving all energy into consciousness.


 

The last couple months are the ones were it finally happened. That knowing of death in the less and less distant future. Gone are the days that although I KNOW no one lives forever, it still doesn’t feel real that I might cease to exist.

So what am I doing?
How am I spending my time?
What is important?

On this day:

In 2013 – they are everywhere
In 2012 – moving away from things
In 2009 – The Dartmouth Review
In 2007 – I need a garden
In 2005 – I DO want a kitten ranch!


The truth.

The truth is that I’m dangerous.

The truth is that I want to cry a whole lot.

The truth is that I want to smash things.

The truth is that sometimes, things need to be set on fire.

The truth is that I no longer recognize this reflection.

The truth is that destruction is necessary before rebuilding.

The truth is that I can’t tell where the edges of that reality are.

The truth is that I am whole.

The truth is that my truth deserves expression.

 

On this day:

In 2014 – Shawn gave away our pencil sharpener.
In 2012 – welp…
In 2008 – depression and betrayal
In 2005 – “Sometimes I re-live conversations in my mind and I catch myself making facial expressions to go with them.”


Why do I announce all my actions?

  • Because I used to do it with my babies, to help them develop language, and it became a habit.
  • Because I want everyone else to do it too so I can always know how to best plan around them.
  • Because it allows those around me to plan their lives with a bit more information available to them.
  • Because it helps me order my thoughts.
  • Because I hope those I tell keep me accountable to my plans/intentions.

“I’m just gonna make dinner and then I’ll have a shower and then I’m going to clean out the closet.”

I’m sick of it though. I feel like it puts people in awkward positions at times. It centralizes my experience over those around me. Do I just stop? Do I need to transform this behaviour into some other, more positive behaviour or set of behaviors? Do you have the answers to these questions?

On this day:

in 2008 – All true, especially if I’m pregnant (which I was when I wrote this)
in 2006 – budding feminism – outdated analysis
in 2005 – Men-only golfing


Sacred Items

Earlier today, I made this post on Facebook:

I was going to make a real blog post about this but.. *meh* I don’t feel like blogging every passing thing. Isn’t that what facebook is for?

I am feeling so incredibly depleted today. It’s part of many things.

1- I’ve been bringing big, nutritious lunches with me all week and today I didn’t and I didn’t eat my bought food in a timely way.

2- I have low level pervasive stress about the state of my home (messy).

3- I have low level pervasive stress about opening a business and not being able to move forward in a way that works for me, for reasons that are beyond my control.

4- Interrupted solo time.This is one point, but is so so so huge for me. I need solo time so badly.

5- Plans that get half made and end up not really happening.

So I’m giving myself some achievable goals for the rest of today (post-work) and I’m not even going to list them because that’s too much pressure.

and it brought me to wonder about the things which bring me joy.

There are lots and Lots and LOTS of intangible things that bring me joy. There are also physical things that bring me joy, just by having them around my home. They are the kinds of things I feel like I could never have enough of. But I never really thought about them as a class of item, and so I will now. I will start a list.

  • houseplants
  • rocks, crystals, gems
  • beach glass
  • ceramics
  • blankets made of natural fibers
  • beeswax candles

 

 

On this day:

In 2010 – “what the shart?”
In 2007 – I should have called
In 2006 – Percy cuteness!!
In 2005 –