I recently received a distance tarot reading from Clementine. The reading was about the patterns I’m working within and about how to see what serves me and what does not. Many questions were brought up in the reading. Below are the questions that stirred me, and my stream-of-consciousness answers to them.


What hard work have I been doing lately?

-establishing healthy boundaries with my mom and people who also represent that dynamic 

-being engaged at my job

-moving through my triggers with the kids and trying to create the healthiest dynamics I can – this reminds me that I’m always doing the best I can. That my level is what it is.

-trying to live my ethics through Moonshadow. Monetizing it doesn’t feel right, when I go beyond my comfort zone, I can feel it in my chest. Can it be self-sustaining? What would that look like?

What are my next moves?

-start making products to test out a subscription box

-stop dicking around with people I’m not sure of

-keep working at maintaining and establishing appropriate boundaries

-open myself up to love more

-go out to places to meet new people

-find ways to engage in decolonization in-person with others

What are all the ways I’ve changed my life for the better?

-deciding to be more honest (with and to myself, as well as with others – radical vulnerability)

-getting back into a routine of cleanliness and orderliness

-moving out of toxic relationships

-moving toward self-love

-better understanding love

To what am I giving my energy?

-sometimes to the thought that no one will ever truly love me

-sometimes into appeasing children instead of being something strong from which they can spring forth

-avoiding really starting in with Moonshadow, telling myself things will unfold and come naturally and worrying that I’m not putting enough work into the hard parts

What are my addictions/compulsions/acts that don’t serve me?

-weed sometimes my use is healthy and other times it is not, establishing a TOD curfew on it has been helpful

-checking out through social media and tv, again a curfew helps

-checking in with others for validation instead of with myself, this seems nearly constant, even when I know I’m doing things the way I want, I always feel like I need to check in with others before acting or immediately after

{edited to add: I was listening to the latest Chai Chats Podcast this morning and they said that a sign of abuse is to rely on someone else’s judgement before your own and that puts this into context for me. I’m not currently in an abusive situation but I’m still living that pattern. This understanding helps me to establish a direction forward.

-avoiding the hard work but I’m not yet clear on how to differentiate between worthwhile hard work and fruitless effort.

What needs are being denied such that my compulsions fulfill them?

-weed can range from a sense of connection, wonder and intimacy with myself, with others and with nature to a numbing agent to just subdue subdue subdue myself. Usually this second option is when I haven’t been receiving love from self or otherwise. I’m avoiding the pain of feeling unloved.

-checking out allows me to not fail at something because I never got around to it, it helps me avoid being criticized for not executing something perfectly

-I want validation. I feel bad when I check in with others for it because I want it to come organically. When it does come that way it feels so nourishing. I’m not sure if I need more than I get organically or if I’m still operating under a scarcity model even though I’m no longer living in scarcity.

I don’t want to waste my time.

Cultivate compassion for these needs. Shower them with love and find ways to care for them that are healthy and sustaining.

“Recognize that change comes from finding and meeting repressed needs.”


not the same

I’m really enjoying writing in my paper journal lately. It’s so soothing and the introspection feels more intense than when I write here.

And also I’m less interested in what people think of my introspection lately.

So that’s what’s up with my blogging slump. As the weather continues to warm up, I’m sure to start posting about adventures and such.

I like how things don’t always have to be the same.


On this day:

In 2011 – invention
In 2007 – oh see!!! my love of notebooks!
In 2006 – planning
In 2005 – I got a gmail account

Tubal Ligation – Part Two – The Surgery

The night before the surgery, I had to take a thorough shower and ensure that I stopped eating at midnight. Shawn and I went out for Moroccan and ate a wonderful meal and then he made me a snack at 11:45 so I wouldn’t be incapacitated by hunger before my surgery.

I had to take another shower right before leaving for the hospital. I took two buses to get there. I wouldn’t to be allowed to drive for 24 hours after surgery so a leisurely bus trip was in store for me. I left with my phone, my bus pass and my health card.

I lost my health card somewhere between Shawn’s house and the hospital. It needs to be renewed next month and I hope this loss doesn’t complicate that process. Luckily, I didn’t actually need it at the hospital as I had already given them that info. However, had I known I didn’t need it, I wouldn’t have lost it.

I registered and dressed myself in the finest gown and housecoat the hospital has to offer. I kept on my green wool socks and put on blue paper slippers. It was then that I was escorted to my accommodations. Bed 13 of the Day Surgery section.

I chatted with friends on Facebook and Twitter, I answered questions about the state of my health, I read a poorly written book about what could be an interesting topic and I tried to ignore getting nervous. Eventually someone came to wheel me towards the operating room. We passed the employee potluck. It smelled so great. I was ravenous. I was left in a spot in the hallway just outside of the OR. This is when I was getting super nervous. The idea of my body being sliced into was no sitting well with me, but I was right next to a window so I tried to calm myself by looking at snow. My hand got IV’d and having that in was kind of painful. After having more people come ask me health questions and waiting about 45 minutes, I went into the OR.

I scooted from my bed the the operating table and my arms were strapped to little planks which made me feel like a reclining crucifix. I started receiving fluids and was chatting with my Dr. while the sedatives were administered. She said I was on my way to a lovely trip to Morrocco and that it would be short, so I should head straight to the in-pool bar. I said “Have fun in my abdomen while I’m gone!” and the next thing I remember is the sound of my crying.

I was on my back and super sore and sobbing. I asked if I could turn over and the nurse asked if I normally sleep on my back. I said yes and turned on my side. I’m not sure if she turned me or if I did it. I told her I liked her a lot. I have no visual recollection of any of this, only what I heard. Then I slept for a bit. Shortly after, I woke up again and the nurse was nearby. She asked about my pain and gave my fentanyl and something else. The fentanyl made my body itchy all over but was great for the pain. It filled my heart with love. Really it did. I wondered if it was similar to meth maybe, because of the itchiness.  When I was a bit more with-it, I asked the nurse how long I had been there before waking up. She told me I was wide awake when they wheeled me in! I told her that I did actually like her quite a bit, I didn’t like all of the nurses so she could be sure I was being honest. We got to talking about how some patients can be very mean and that it’s hard for her not to take it personally so it’s nice for her to hear sweet words. She is soon retiring. Her name is Judy so I suggested she listen to Belle and Sebatian’s Judy and the Dream of Horses because it’s a lovely song, like her. She wrote it down and wheeled me into the other recovery room, which was precisely the spot in which I started.

Tiana Dargent
11 December near Nepean via Mobile
I’m now in the recovery room and on all kinds of fun meds. I’m telling all the nurses I love them.


Tiana Dargent
11 December near Nepean via Mobile
I could really go for some tacos. I’m starving and the nurses are lunching right next to me!

I was given marble cheddar cheese and two packets of saltines along with some apple juice. I chatted more on facebook and twitter and read more of that awful book. I was checked on frequently and I accepted any medication that was offered.

After about an hour of resting, I was brought a bowl of hot water, a bit of soap, a facecloth and a towel so I could clean myself up and get back in my clothes. I sat right up and the nurses looked at me with horror. Apparently I was ‘as white as a sheet’. I rested for a few more minutes on my pillow and then slowly and deliberately set to my task.  My belly was really swollen and reminded me of how it looked just after giving birth. My abdomen was painted pink and my crotch was yellow with iodine. I couldn’t get it all off, even after what seemed like an eternity of trying. I had a bandage over each of my incisions (navel and pubic bone) that I had to keep on until the next day. Eventually I was moderately clean and dressed. A nurse helped me with my boots and brought me an easy chair. I had to be able to sit in it for 30 minutes without fainting or puking before I could leave. I had more apple juice.

At that point, my mom arrived to drive me home to Shawn’s. She wheeled me up to her car and poured me in. We went to the pharmacy so I could get my prescription for hydromorphone. I slept in the car while my mom got it. She had to provide identification and sign something. Apparently it’s a controlled substance and the whole process tok half an hour. Then she drove me to Shawn’s. She had never been so I was the navigator. In my delirium, it went pretty well. We both got there alive.

I had to go up a flight of stairs to get to Shawn’s place. He wasn’t yet home so my mom stood behind me to make sure I didn’t fall. I was on so many painkillers though, I’m sure I wouldn’t have felt a thing. But I wasn’t really steady on my feet. We got inside and she helped me take off my boots and then she left. I was surprised she didn’t stay with me, at least to see me to bed, until I learned later on that she was so sick herself that to this day she has no recollection of any of this.

I took my pills and some water with me and cozied up in bed. A little later I remembered I was hungry and that there was an apple in the kitchen. I braced myself against the wall and somehow made it there and back. I was all cozy and relaxing when Shawn got home not much later. He checked on me, asked me what things I needed and scooted out to the store for foods and juices. I don’t remember too much else from that evening. I know we ate chicken pot pie and other things, but I don’t remember what. I know he helped me get to the washroom once or twice and kept me company. It’s possible we watched some videos. He timed my medication. I’m pretty hazy on the first night to be honest. Maybe he will enlighten us!

Check out part one – The Sterilization Celebration

Stay tuned for part three!

On this day:
In 2007 – on my desk
In 2006 – food pyramid
In 2005 – I killed my Christmas tree
In 2004 – I made my first blog post ever!!! It’s my BLOGGIVERSARY!!!

Unexpected search terms that land people on my blog

In order of most to least used:

baby puke (also: baby ~puke & pukes projectil- This I attribute to Bobby and his reflux and his tendency to puke all over me and my tendency to post photos of this

foto boby dragon boys – wth? I’m tempted to google this just to find out what it is but I’m kind of scared

almonds taste bad – when they have gone bad

quebecroads – typo and all!

birthday cake for lover – I do make great cakes and am an excellent lover

fear and loathing in las vegas hunter s thompson costume – thanks to Bobby’s awesome fashion sense

ennema bloat – I don’t even know. I have never given nor received an enema

honey is bee shit – honey is bee vomit. get it right people!

one eyed pugs – I bet this happens a lot because their eyeballs stick out farther than the rest of their faces

downfalls of pregnancy – they are extensive

Then there are the ones that are clearly some kind of fetish stuff:

licking girl ass hole, polish the butt hole, sperm puke, vaginapie, bath time picture with mom, zucchinis on weight benches

On this day:

In 2007 – A visit to my cottage in the days before almond milk was readily available all over the place
In 2006 – My review of Van Morrison and an experience with a ghost
In 2005 – What do you think heaven is like and also did you know that I randomly drool?