I was reminded of that summer love.
I’m so not over it. And it’s good. I did some hurting and it’s better that I stay away.
I’ve grown from it, and that new knowledge reminds me to step outside of myself more often.
So much of it was lovely. The growth allows me to step back and treasure that.
On this day:
In 2013 – strange rambling
I went to Toronto this weekend.
I lived in the suburbs of Toronto until I was 16. Up until then, I imagined that when I grew up, I would move to the city, or perhaps go to Montreal or a different country.
It’s weird, all my ideas for the future had nothing to do with concrete things like a job or a school program and everything to do with fostering certain feelings and connections.
Part of my trip was just such a perfect time of soul-bonding and sharing.
Part of my trip was incredibly frustrating.
Part of my trip was full of potential.
Part of my trip was really finally feeling like I’m an adult in control of my life and if I want to drive to Toronto with the sole reason of hanging out with a particular person for 3 minutes shy of 5 hours, I can do that. I can do anything I fucking want.
For the first time, I’ve started considering what my life would be like if I had not moved away at 16. There’s a certain personal confidence I feel when being in that city. I don’t feel it here in Ottawa and I think it has to do with population. I need to remember what it feels like and hold on to the parts that benefit me here.
Thinking this stuff over has illuminated the history of the anxieties I have, how I’ve worked toward overcoming them, what is within the realm of the possible, (and what is not) and how geography and culture is a bigger factor than I thought it was.
On this day:
I’m looking for a word that describes the peace and joy of being in nature.
I’m looking for a word that encompasses the cozy feeling of being wrapped in a warm blanket and drinking hot cocoa with a cold nose and fingers from being outdoors.
I’m looking for a word that encapsulates the energetic feeling of being inspired and motivated to create because of being in a new situation.
I’m looking for a word that identifies the yearning to go out into the world to explore and learn.
I’m looking for a word that communicates the sensation of fingers running over perfectly textured paper.
I’m looking for a way to describe the complicity between people and their surroundings and the plants and the animals.
On this day:
I’m back from the best cabin weekend ever (photo editing needs to take place before really writing about it. It’s all about the PROCESS) and I’m wearing the awesome scarf I had with me and it smells like woodsy cabin but really I’m at my boring office desk.
You get one (unedited) photo.
On this day:
I never dreamed about getting married, having kids, or owning a house and a car in the suburbs. Yet, somehow, that’s how things ended up for me.
On those hot summer nights, years before I ever experienced the luxury of falling asleep in an air-conditioned room, I imagined all kinds of adventures for myself. I would picture my hand plunging into the earth and digging. Maybe for a huge vegetable plot or maybe digging out ancient buildings to be studied. I saw myself traveling to all the big cities of the world. I imagined rowing across a still body of water and I felt the satisfaction of doing good things for my community. When I thought of a partner, my mind-wanderings consistently brought me to thoughts of someone artistic and full of passions. I wasn’t doing all these things with that partner, but I always envisioned falling asleep in their arms, full of the feeling of satisfaction from a productive and fulfilling life.
This is important for me to say, because I lived a life of not sharing my dreams. I’ve feared letting people in on what I want. I’ve been afraid of being met with ridicule, skepticism and judgement. This made it easier, when my life took a path through a series of tough turns (moving cities and losing my friend-base, the death of my father, living on my own while still in high-school etc.), for me to just switch off the path of what I wanted, and head down a path that seemed much more clear and defined.
I got married. I had two children. I lived away from community and connection. I tried to move my current path closer to my wanted path. It was such hard work. Often, getting the two paths closer together for some time would cause them to wildly diverge for far longer than the initial attempt held. It seemed pointless to even try, after a certain amount of effort had been wasted.
What seemed like a clear and defined path had slowly changed shape and topography. It got to be too different from the path I had wanted all those years ago, and still, under it all, yearned to walk down. Since it was so far from what my soul knew, it became impossible for me to navigate. I tried to look for the path I wanted and I thought it was just at the bottom of a gully off the side of the path. I’m still not sure if I jumped off, or if I was pushed. It’s probably a mixture of both.
The path I’m on now is not leading me to the exact situations I dreamed about, it leads me through the same experiences though. I have two small people that I’m raising and I have strong and clear ideas of the wonderful people I would like them to be. I’m constantly thinking about what I need to teach them so they can be caring to others and do good things for their communities. I now live a life where I can take on any adventure I choose and am supported and cared for and encouraged. I have community that feeds me knowledge and experience and creativity and skill. The more I take in, the more I can share with my children. So, not only do I get to do whatever good I can, as one person, but I can sew the seeds of good in my children and help them grow into greater forces of good than I.
I feel very satisfied in knowing that even though I strayed from the path I should have been on, I picked up a couple of good things on my detour, and they can benefit from these experiences I’m now having.
On this day:
It was a portal to a different world.
A world where I was free to explore and imagine and go and come and be quiet and talk and sleep and fuck and eat and cry and laugh.
It was made soft by layers of blankets, laundry, pillows and a tender heart.
It was always dark out when I entered the portal, with string-lights giving it a warm and welcoming magical glow.
Once I started to see it by light of day, the portal grew. Slowly, and consistently, more parts of my life fell within the realm of this portal.
It’s as though it’s completely real.
On this day