Lately I’ve been working on this little nugget of a dream and it’s germinating and I’m so excited and it’s precious to me.
On November 25, 1999, my father died.
I didn’t really deal with it. We weren’t close, emotionally. We also lived 5 hours apart from each other and only saw each other a handful of times per year for the last 4 years of his life.
Before his death, he made sure my name was on the deed to his cottage, and he leased it to his friend for fifteen years, so I’d have time to grow the fuck up before having to take care of a property.
For the past few years I knew that once I regained possession, I would sell it. It’s so far away, and inconvenient. But after a year on the market, there have been no bites.
In the past few months, I’ve done some growing inward, outward, and through. I’m seeing the ways in which ancestry and progeny are part of a continuum and also how they are indistinct from one another. I’m seeing the ways in which land and plant and animal are all basically just different parts of a whole. I’m starting to see the ways that souls leave permanent marks.
She came into my life at the time my father died. I have to deal with his death all over again, with this new perspective. But instead of it being a continuation of this end of life, I find myself welcoming my father into my heart. Back into my heart? Into my heart for the first time?
I suddenly feel that it would be a Great Tragedy to sell this land, handed down to me from my father.
We now have a relationship I can manage, I can understand it, where I failed to before. I feel comfort within it. I want to continue to nurture this relationship between me and my father and this land.
But where does that leave me with my living relatives? I feel uncomfortable with some among them. I don’t feel particular close to any, in that chummy way I read about, in that lay-down-our-lives-for-one-another way I see in movies. I don’t know how to pursue bonds that are satisfying. I don’t know how to move on from all the hurts.
I don’t trust them.
I don’t know how to reconcile my desire to honour ancestry and lineage with my lack of ability to connect more deeply with those who remain.
On this day:
My body doesn’t recover as well as it once did, and I dare say, is degenerating noticeably, but my spiritual and emotional self becomes more capable with time.
Maybe death is the letting go of the need for a body and moving all energy into consciousness.
The last couple months are the ones were it finally happened. That knowing of death in the less and less distant future. Gone are the days that although I KNOW no one lives forever, it still doesn’t feel real that I might cease to exist.
So what am I doing?
How am I spending my time?
What is important?
On this day:
Sewing, Knitting, Wood-carving, Figure-Drawing…
These are all things I’ve been into sometimes or another and then have let go of a bit (or a lot).
It’s typical for me to do a thing for a while and then move on to a new thing.
Lately, my mind has turned to foraging and, more specifically, mycology.
It started about a month or so ago, when I was preparing for my first ever canoe-camping trip. I wanted to look up the edible foods of the region where Shawn and I were staying and I found a wonderful resource (which I forgot to bookmark and am now worried I’ll never find again) which showed imaged of the mushrooms as well as warnings for similarities to non-edible varieties, and information on their growing conditions, which gives clues for where to look.
And it continued when I successfully identified some mushrooms on a day-trip to Meech, but was still too nervous to do any picking.
And it has been compounded by the amount of money I’ve been spending on chanterelles lately.
AND THEN, I read this article about my favorite author/artist as a child, who was a mycologist herself and produced illustrations which are still referred to now (she died in 1943) for identification purposes.
So this is my newest interest. I feel like I’ll do some self-guided learning until I’m comfortable enough to go on my own, or maybe I’ll find some kind of Mycology Master to go out a-foraging with.
On this day:
I was just riding to work and on campus we have basically a big one way street with a counterflow bike lane.
I was just getting on campus and about to join said lane when a taxi pulled out in front of me from a loading dock, went the wrong way down the one way street and was driving over the bike lane. I had to quickly veer onto the sidewalk.
Because I am a human on a bicycle, I shouted HEY really loudly. I do not have a horn like a car does. I kept my pace, which happened to be slight faster than the taxi, who had to watch for all the oncoming traffic, and I pulled out in front of it at the intersection where he obeyed the stop sign for bicycles (you know, the mini kind?).
I was about to let go of my “almost got into an accident” adrenaline and tell him all the dangerous things he was doing when some model cyclist (with the lycra suit and a camera helmet etc) rolled up and politely said to him
“Excuse me sir but you are driving on a cycle path. Please try to avoid it in the future. In fact, you almost hit this person. It’s quite dangerous.”
UGH HE STOLE MY MOMENT!
and he forgot the one way street problem!!!
At this point, the cab driver starts to let his car roll forward to leave. You know, while I am stopped right in front of it.
So I got to shout DO NOT EVEN MOVE RIGHT NOW because I am not fucking interested in that intimidation attempt.
I hopped up on my bike, went in a little circle in front of him, and went on my way.
But really, I feel like an important opportunity to assert myself has been taken from me. I clearly was making noise about this and was handling it. I think the polite bystander should step in when injustices happen and the victim can not handle the altercation.
On this day:
in 2014 – yes this forever
in 2009 – and this is very true as well. Seaming in the crotch is also a big issue.
in 2008 – not a gymnast, DOES do a fainting pose frequently
in 2006 – a bunch of photos from around the Glebe
in 2005 – where did I go?
Oh hey, the weather changed! You know what that means? My brain is all “time for new and exciting things!” I don’t even know which things! Transitions transitions.
I guess the real actual bookstore is opening soon. Probably within a month of today. So that’s a big deal.
Also it’s bright out later and I can bike around.
Also I’m gardening little baby seedlings for outdoors and purging my home of lots of stuff and trying to make some cash cash cash and cooking more meals for myself and my family/housemates.
Gen – you are family now I guess so now I don’t need to “/housemate” everything.
I am SO INTO doing things alone for like, at least an hour a day, but more is better.
I want to find a bunch of beautiful rocks/stones. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?
I want to get the kids going on actual bike expeditions instead of in circles on our street and I feel like this is the year. Bobby’s confidence has sky-rocketed for using his bike, and Molly is excited for using the trailer instead of horrified like last year. (Bobby is now too big for it and I think his fear was setting her off).
While Gen was away:
-I set up a coats/shoes/pocket-stuff/face-checking, plant-holding station at the front door. I love it. The kids stuff goes in a book-case with only one shelf at the bottom and hooks installed in the top part. They can get it easily. Things are tidier!
-I finished my oar! and I hung it up in the hallway between our bedrooms and it’s beautiful (and not really functional because it’s my first ever oar and I fucked up some things) and she wants to hang some Haida art she has on the wall opposite and it will be beautiful.
-I purged and reorganized the kids play space. I have had a big black garbage bag full of toys, unopened play dough packages, games, puzzles etc sitting on my front porch for days. People just don’t want a random bag of free toys(!!!) so I’ll do the less-lazy work this evening and post the items for sale (see the cash cash cash note above)
Ok so this is my brain ramblings. Finito!
On this day:
In 2014 – swimming! (not really)
In 2013 – yes this process has been so useful for me! I’m way less often overwhelmed by life.
In 2010 – I wrote a post for a different blog
In 2008 – I worked from home.
In 2007 – UGH I MISS DRUMMING
In 2006 – ” I got sick half way through the first kitten’s head but I did eat all of their eyeballs.”
In 2005 – My boobs back then were different than they are now.