Patterns

I recently received a distance tarot reading from Clementine. The reading was about the patterns I’m working within and about how to see what serves me and what does not. Many questions were brought up in the reading. Below are the questions that stirred me, and my stream-of-consciousness answers to them.

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What hard work have I been doing lately?

-establishing healthy boundaries with my mom and people who also represent that dynamic 

-being engaged at my job

-moving through my triggers with the kids and trying to create the healthiest dynamics I can – this reminds me that I’m always doing the best I can. That my level is what it is.

-trying to live my ethics through Moonshadow. Monetizing it doesn’t feel right, when I go beyond my comfort zone, I can feel it in my chest. Can it be self-sustaining? What would that look like?

What are my next moves?

-start making products to test out a subscription box

-stop dicking around with people I’m not sure of

-keep working at maintaining and establishing appropriate boundaries

-open myself up to love more

-go out to places to meet new people

-find ways to engage in decolonization in-person with others

What are all the ways I’ve changed my life for the better?

-deciding to be more honest (with and to myself, as well as with others – radical vulnerability)

-getting back into a routine of cleanliness and orderliness

-moving out of toxic relationships

-moving toward self-love

-better understanding love

To what am I giving my energy?

-sometimes to the thought that no one will ever truly love me

-sometimes into appeasing children instead of being something strong from which they can spring forth

-avoiding really starting in with Moonshadow, telling myself things will unfold and come naturally and worrying that I’m not putting enough work into the hard parts

What are my addictions/compulsions/acts that don’t serve me?

-weed sometimes my use is healthy and other times it is not, establishing a TOD curfew on it has been helpful

-checking out through social media and tv, again a curfew helps

-checking in with others for validation instead of with myself, this seems nearly constant, even when I know I’m doing things the way I want, I always feel like I need to check in with others before acting or immediately after

-avoiding the hard work but I’m not yet clear on how to differentiate between worthwhile hard work and fruitless effort.

What needs are being denied such that my compulsions fulfill them?

-weed can range from a sense of connection, wonder and intimacy with myself, with others and with nature to a numbing agent to just subdue subdue subdue myself. Usually this second option is when I haven’t been receiving love from self or otherwise. I’m avoiding the pain of feeling unloved.

-checking out allows me to not fail at something because I never got around to it, it helps me avoid being criticized for not executing something perfectly

-I want validation. I feel bad when I check in with others for it because I want it to come organically. When it does come that way it feels so nourishing. I’m not sure if I need more than I get organically or if I’m still operating under a scarcity model even though I’m no longer living in scarcity.

I don’t want to waste my time.

Cultivate compassion for these needs. Shower them with love and find ways to care for them that are healthy and sustaining.

“Recognize that change comes from finding and meeting repressed needs.”

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My Precious

Lately I’ve been working on this little nugget of a dream and it’s germinating and I’m so excited and it’s precious to me.


Amended thoughts

I stopped bringing people through my thought processes and emotional journeys with me. I own those, and it’s on me to work through without imposing that on someone.

I also feel an immense sense of loss at the great love that comes with being so utterly vulnerable.


 

But this isn’t even entirely true. I haven’t really stopped. I stopped sharing so incredibly deeply with Shawn and have started branching out and trying to be more vulnerable, in general, and with a greater number of people I trust. I do feel that great loss, as above, but I’m also gaining deeper connections with a wider variety of people.

And though I mourn experiencing that debilitating level of emotion, I have to admit that it WAS debilitating. It held me so unbelievably close that it was easy to stop being on top of my other, more tangible, things. It was important because it taught me how to be deeply open and I now get to practice those skills with other people, to varying degrees, which brings me many joys.


 

On this day:

In 2013 – working through my life goals
In 2009 – jeans that are like a push up bra for your ass
In 2008 – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH *deep breath* HAHAHAHAHAHA
In 2007 – Seville Oranges


I feel like I am a gift.

I am gingerly unwrapped, with patience and care.

My bow is untied and placed gently aside.
The tape is lifted without any tearing.
My paper is removed then firmly folded down.

Everything that was found within is gathered up and celebrated.

 

On this day:

In 2014 – A reminder of where I can be more efficient
In 2011 – New Sibling Anxiety
In 2007 – I want to know what makes you fart
In 2006 – My adoration of Livejournal
In 2005 – Sometimes I feel like a spectator to my own life


If it’s not said, it basically doesn’t exist to me.

It suddenly popped in my head the other day, and then was brought up again in conversation with Shawn, that I have a need for things to be said. I am SO BAD at interpreting cues and innuendo and hints.

Like, I get that if someone spends a lot of time with me, they probably like me, but unless they say things like “I like XYZ about you.” I am actually not so sure.

Or if someone is making eyes at me and being  bit physical in a non-specific way (like putting a hand on my shoulder) I could think they are just very attentive, or that they want to do me, or that they are just into that level of physical contact and nothing more, and so I would just respond in equal measure to their output, unless they indicate anything else.

This is probably why I just blurt out things like “Let’s put our mouths together into a kiss” or some other ridiculously awkward thing.

I’m probably missing out on connecting with lots of interesting people who are more into being subtle, or flirty, or mysterious. I just do not get how to be like that. I guess that’s something to work on.

How do I work on that?

On this day:

In 2008 – Further proof that I am a seahorse


hogtown

I went to Toronto this weekend.

Meander

Meander


 

I lived in the suburbs of Toronto until I was 16. Up until then, I imagined that when I grew up, I would move to the city, or perhaps go to Montreal or a different country.

It’s weird, all my ideas for the future had nothing to do with concrete things like a job or a school program and everything to do with fostering certain feelings and connections.

Community of care

Community of care


 

Part of my trip was just such a perfect time of soul-bonding and sharing.

Part of my trip was incredibly frustrating.

Part of my trip was full of potential.

Part of my trip was really finally feeling like I’m an adult in control of my life and if I want to drive to Toronto with the sole reason of hanging out with a particular person for 3 minutes shy of 5 hours, I can do that. I can do anything I fucking want.

Light on the subway

Light on the subway


 

For the first time, I’ve started considering what my life would be like if I had not moved away at 16. There’s a certain personal confidence I feel when being in that city. I don’t feel it here in Ottawa and I think it has to do with population. I need to remember what it feels like and hold on to the parts that benefit me here.

Thinking this stuff over has illuminated the history of the anxieties I have, how I’ve worked toward overcoming them, what is within the realm of the possible, (and what is not) and how geography and culture is a bigger factor than I thought it was.

On this day:

In 2011 – extended leave
In 2007 – Morgan Freeman’s freckles
In 2006 – Conditioner and art projects


Smit Smat Smut

Guilty Look

Gosh I am just so smitten with my newest lover! *sigh*

Shawn is out of town tonight and new lover is super busy but I’m just all “Come over after – Just wake me up – The door will be unlocked” and tomorrow after work I drive 5 hours to join Shawn (whom I’m also kind of having a total re-swoon over but he is much busier than usual lately so I’m just kind of feeling missing-longing feelings for him) in Toronto and meet up with old friends I’ve missed.

I’m excited to spend a big chunk of Saturday with Sarah. We haven’t seen each other in literally years and that is no big deal actually. She is probably my first love. We get along so well and can just pick things up after years of silence. She inspires me to be honest and inquisitive and to explore myself and others.

I always forget that at the start of new relationships I get all I JUST WANNA BE IN LOVE WITH EVERYBODY!!!!

Also horny. Having sex just makes me want more. What IS that? oy oy oy

It’s hard to focus.

 

On this day:

In 2011 – free activities to do with kids in Ottawa. Probably needs a lot of updating. Let me know if you notice things that need to be amended!
In 2009 – oh I love eating at Atelier
In 2008 – Trust and karma
In 2007 – I like to make loot bags for adults
In 2006 – My political party comparison spreadsheet