Trigger(s)

I shared this link on my facebook page and wrote this:

I remember getting the argument that I obviously wasn’t fully into making my marriage work because I refused to sign over all of my assets to my husband.

Good fucking lord.

#canyouevenimagine#hecouldntspenditfastenough

We split all our expenses 50/50, except for the fact that he lied to me about how much our car and home insurance cost and so I was actually paying even more than my share, while he was consistently making $20 000 more than me per year.

He spent money from our savings and racked up debt from buying guitars, a vintage car, sports season’s tickets and burberry shirts.

I was the only one who bought things for the kids, toys, shoes, clothes (other than in gift-giving situations).

He was so irresponsible with money. Signing my money over to him would have probably been even more stupid than marrying him and having babies by him.

At the end of our relationship, it was he who said I never really tried and he gave me a long list of reasons that were his supposed proof.

-I didn’t give up my money to him
-I didn’t take his last name
-I didn’t choose to leave work and raise kids from home (another way of having no financial independence)
-Once Bobby was born, he became my priority over my ex
-I didn’t want to have sex the way he wanted to have sex (all of the associated story to this makes me want to barf a million times)


The other day, Shawn and I were talking about a sign and for whatever reason, I just could not wrap my head around what he was trying to explain to me. At one point he became visibly frustrated and sarcastic and a tiny bit mean and I instantly felt defeated, deflated, and small. I felt like there was no point in me talking, in me trying to understand. There was no point in doing anything other than closing in on myself and crying.

This is how Brent treated me pretty much all the time. Even now I still get super long text messages or emails with no apparent intent other than hurting me. I’ve gotten away from it and have surrounded myself with people who treat me with kindness and dignity but even still, people will sometimes legitimately become frustrated with me and behave in a similar way.

I have learned to mostly avoid it but I haven’t yet learned to deal with it. Even now, a few days later, I’m feeling uneasy about the interaction between Shawn and myself. We’ve obviously talked about it a whole bunch and we are so very good. This uneasiness is not about Shawn. It’s about me learning that I have to develop a new skill but WTF I just don’t even want those situations to happen because they hurt me so fucking deeply, but they will happen, even inadvertently, by people who love me and never ever want to hurt me, and so I need to practice coping with that. How do I practice that without just repeatedly feeling awful?

 


Freeze!

I need to go on a spending freeze.

I am living pay cheque to pay cheque right now and things like lawyer fees are being automatically charged to my credit card and I am not able to pay them off at the end of the month (I can make some payments – I just can’t keep up with them right now). I realize that these fees are soon to be coming to an end, which is great, but I still need to dig myself out of this debt-hole. There were also some bigger costs around moving that have eaten up my “buffer money”. Luckily, I already ordered the kids’ x-mas gifts online (they are the only people I buy for) and their snowsuits still fit so other than some winter boots, I shouldn’t have any extraordinary costs coming up for a while.
So I need to buckle down and go back to my thrifty ways which means the following:

  • plan meals and eat at home/pack lunches (couponing is not worth the time/effort for me)
  • don’t go out anywhere that charges a cover
  • hang out with people at home or at their homes
  • enter all kinds of giveaway contests (because somehow I have good luck at winning things when I’m strapped for cash) so we can do fun activities (museums, day trips etc) that typically have a cost associated to them
  • sell things I don’t use (this is difficult since I just moved and already purged so much stuff – I’ll double-check though)
  • do all those cost-saving things around the house like turning off lights and only doing the laundry during off-peak times

Things I’m looking forward to:

  • no longer having lawyer fees piling up so I can just work on paying them off
  • my car being paid off so I can divert those payments to the lawyer fees mentioned above
  • housewarming party! (because fun is important)
  • carving pumpkins for Halloween

on this day:

In 2012 – I wrote about the sexy spelling bee and my own private strip-tease, as well as about having an abortion
In 2007 – Imaginary Hockey Team Betting Club
In 2006 – I am now and expert at making all the Thanksgiving Foods (but due to the whole don’t spend lots of money thing, will not be making these foods)
In 2005 – Pumpkins!


I need to want less.

I’m going through a super strong WANTS phase. This usually happens with the changing of seasons and also when I’m really trying to not spend.

I have good self control when it comes to spending on STUFF (clothes, books, decor etc). My weakness in spending is on food. I like the fancier items like a great cheese in lieu of a brick of Kraft for instance. I like to eat out for lunch. I prefer fresh produce to frozen or canned. That kind of stuff.

I have a strict budget in place so I can do things like pay my rent and bills and debt and feed my kids. I am good at sticking to this but it doesn’t make me WANT things any less. Here I’m going to list the things I’m really wanting lately in an attempt to just put it out there and let it go. I don’t like having this greed and consumerism simmering within me.

-A set of decent quality carving gouges and chisels along with a sharpening kit (tools, sharpening)
-A pair of fall shoes that won’t show my socks but that aren’t boots (1, 2)
-New undergarments (sometimes a lady just needs some new things to feel all sexymaphone)
-A new tattoo (sometimes a lady just needs to permanently etch her body with some cool stuff)
-A few nice snuggly blankets for various spots in my house (like so)
-Some knee socks because it’s getting clod out and they are fun
-Some leggings because I think I lost mine in my move

[EDITED TO ADD] Bitch Magazine – I love it.

So nothing is anything I really NEED. What I need is to let go of my desire to HAVE.

On this day:
In 2009 – …
In 2007 – I have excellent vision but I want glasses for the fashion of it
In 2006 – On whose terms are you living?
In 2005 – ” my biggest concern was finding self-conscious looking boys who would give me cigarettes”


Living Lean

I built up a bit of debt thanks to the moving process and in trying to eliminate that and pay all my bills I’ll be tightening up on superfluous spending. This means less eating out (I have been doing a lot of this), putting off having cable installed for at least another month, choosing more efficient foods (complex carbs/proteins, lots of veggies, less meat etc) and holding off of ‘finishing touches’ kinds of things like a few new plants, picture frames and window coverings.

Thanks to the eating out and a few other factors I’ve packed on a few pounds so I think this cash turned food diet will help with that a little. I want to get back into the mode of eating when I need to instead of when I want to and eating things that nourish me instead of simply feed me. This is good stuff. I have a good kitchen and can make good food. I just need to get on the ball and do it.

I want to not be a lazy mom and to get back into writing about the kids. So much has happened since my last post, it’s kind of overwhelming.

On this day:
In 2009 – Everything you ever wanted to know about Dartmouth Nova Scotia
In 2007 – Memoirs of a sleepless night
In 2005 – smuggling goods into the cinema and anticipating the farts during my first pilates class (I miss that class!)


I brought a burrito for lunch

I got viciously attacked by a yo-yo.  My knee is red now.

What’s new?

Today I’m going to meet up with Jay to finish off my tomato leg.  I am anticipating the pain equivalent of the heat of a thousand suns so I brought snacks and a magazine to distract me and a few painkillers to make a lovely cocktail.

Also on the new front Brent and I are considering moving.  A house has just been listed in our dream neighbourhood.  It costs a bit more than our current house cost us but a few factors make us think we can afford it.

  1. We bought our house low so we can probably make a bit of profit off the sale
  2. Brent has had quite a substantial raise since we bought our house
  3. We were originally approved for a mortgage that was the cost of this house
  4. We wouldn’t need to get new furniture as we did with this house

Here it is if you want to see it.  We’d probably be living pretty lean until our next raises though.  It’s the exact same model as some friends of ours and I fell in love with their place the moment I walked in.  I think it’s actually on the same street.  It looks smaller than out house from the front but the usable square footage is actually higher, the lot is bigger and the yards are flat which means they are easier to mow and garden on.

I’m very excited about this prospect.  We’re going to drive by it today and if the location is where we think it is, call our real estate agent.

On this day:

In 2006 – My useless psychic abilities
In 2005 – Apparently, hockey made me mad.