Patterns

I recently received a distance tarot reading from Clementine. The reading was about the patterns I’m working within and about how to see what serves me and what does not. Many questions were brought up in the reading. Below are the questions that stirred me, and my stream-of-consciousness answers to them.

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What hard work have I been doing lately?

-establishing healthy boundaries with my mom and people who also represent that dynamic 

-being engaged at my job

-moving through my triggers with the kids and trying to create the healthiest dynamics I can – this reminds me that I’m always doing the best I can. That my level is what it is.

-trying to live my ethics through Moonshadow. Monetizing it doesn’t feel right, when I go beyond my comfort zone, I can feel it in my chest. Can it be self-sustaining? What would that look like?

What are my next moves?

-start making products to test out a subscription box

-stop dicking around with people I’m not sure of

-keep working at maintaining and establishing appropriate boundaries

-open myself up to love more

-go out to places to meet new people

-find ways to engage in decolonization in-person with others

What are all the ways I’ve changed my life for the better?

-deciding to be more honest (with and to myself, as well as with others – radical vulnerability)

-getting back into a routine of cleanliness and orderliness

-moving out of toxic relationships

-moving toward self-love

-better understanding love

To what am I giving my energy?

-sometimes to the thought that no one will ever truly love me

-sometimes into appeasing children instead of being something strong from which they can spring forth

-avoiding really starting in with Moonshadow, telling myself things will unfold and come naturally and worrying that I’m not putting enough work into the hard parts

What are my addictions/compulsions/acts that don’t serve me?

-weed sometimes my use is healthy and other times it is not, establishing a TOD curfew on it has been helpful

-checking out through social media and tv, again a curfew helps

-checking in with others for validation instead of with myself, this seems nearly constant, even when I know I’m doing things the way I want, I always feel like I need to check in with others before acting or immediately after

-avoiding the hard work but I’m not yet clear on how to differentiate between worthwhile hard work and fruitless effort.

What needs are being denied such that my compulsions fulfill them?

-weed can range from a sense of connection, wonder and intimacy with myself, with others and with nature to a numbing agent to just subdue subdue subdue myself. Usually this second option is when I haven’t been receiving love from self or otherwise. I’m avoiding the pain of feeling unloved.

-checking out allows me to not fail at something because I never got around to it, it helps me avoid being criticized for not executing something perfectly

-I want validation. I feel bad when I check in with others for it because I want it to come organically. When it does come that way it feels so nourishing. I’m not sure if I need more than I get organically or if I’m still operating under a scarcity model even though I’m no longer living in scarcity.

I don’t want to waste my time.

Cultivate compassion for these needs. Shower them with love and find ways to care for them that are healthy and sustaining.

“Recognize that change comes from finding and meeting repressed needs.”

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My Precious

Lately I’ve been working on this little nugget of a dream and it’s germinating and I’m so excited and it’s precious to me.


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Thoughts about love.

I’m moving beyond the exciting feeling of overwhelming love.
I’m moving into exploring the depths of the emotion.

What is it to love deeply?
What is it to love someone who may not return that love?
Does love breed more love?
How has my focus shifting from “looking for love” to “exploring love” changed the way I perceive the love that exists around me?

Does love for people, places, things, and non-human beings have different characteristics from one another?

What is tangible about love?

On this day:

In 2009 – juice is not a meal replacement (but I still enjoy it)
In 2008 – meeting the amazing Julie Keon for the first time
In 2006 – if I had to re-do this today, calling the police would not have happened
In 2005 – back when kindness was a thing we shared


Ancestry, Land, Life, and Death.

On November 25, 1999, my father died.

I didn’t really deal with it. We weren’t close, emotionally. We also lived 5 hours apart from each other and only saw each other a handful of times per year for the last 4 years of his life.

Before his death, he made sure my name was on the deed to his cottage, and he leased it to his friend for fifteen years, so I’d have time to grow the fuck up before having to take care of a property.

For the past few years I knew that once I regained possession, I would sell it. It’s so far away, and inconvenient. But after a year on the market, there have been no bites.

 


 

 

In the past few months, I’ve done some growing inward, outward, and through. I’m seeing the ways in which ancestry and progeny are part of a continuum and also how they are indistinct from one another. I’m seeing the ways in which land and plant and animal are all basically just different parts of a whole. I’m starting to see the ways that souls leave permanent marks.

 


 

 

Percy died.

She came into my life at the time my father died. I have to deal with his death all over again, with this new perspective. But instead of it being a continuation of this end of life, I find myself welcoming my father into my heart. Back into my heart? Into my heart for the first time?

I suddenly feel that it would be a Great Tragedy to sell this land, handed down to me from my father.
We now have a relationship I can manage, I can understand it, where I failed to before. I feel comfort within it. I want to continue to nurture this relationship between me and my father and this land.

But where does that leave me with my living relatives? I feel uncomfortable with some among them. I don’t feel particular close to any, in that chummy way I read about, in that lay-down-our-lives-for-one-another way I see in movies. I don’t know how to pursue bonds that are satisfying. I don’t know how to move on from all the hurts.

I don’t trust them.

I don’t know how to reconcile my desire to honour ancestry and lineage with my lack of ability to connect more deeply with those who remain.

 

On this day:

In 2013 – foundation
In 2007 – cookie dreams
In 2006 – catsup
In 2005 – murder


With each day that passes I am closer to death.

rust spine

My body doesn’t recover as well as it once did, and I dare say, is degenerating noticeably,  but my spiritual and emotional self becomes more capable with time.

Maybe death is the letting go of the need for a body and moving all energy into consciousness.


 

The last couple months are the ones were it finally happened. That knowing of death in the less and less distant future. Gone are the days that although I KNOW no one lives forever, it still doesn’t feel real that I might cease to exist.

So what am I doing?
How am I spending my time?
What is important?

On this day:

In 2013 – they are everywhere
In 2012 – moving away from things
In 2009 – The Dartmouth Review
In 2007 – I need a garden
In 2005 – I DO want a kitten ranch!


Spring Sprang Sprung

Oh hey, the weather changed! You know what that means? My brain is all “time for new and exciting things!” I don’t even know which things! Transitions transitions.

I guess the real actual bookstore is opening soon. Probably within a month of today. So that’s a big deal.

Also it’s bright out later and I can bike around.

Also I’m gardening little baby seedlings for outdoors and purging my home of lots of stuff and trying to make some cash cash cash and cooking more meals for myself and my family/housemates.

Gen – you are family now I guess so now I don’t need to “/housemate” everything.

I am SO INTO doing things alone for like, at least an hour a day, but more is better.

I want to find a bunch of beautiful rocks/stones. WHAT IS  THE DIFFERENCE?

I want to get the kids going on actual bike expeditions instead of in circles on our street and I feel like this is the year. Bobby’s confidence has sky-rocketed for using his bike, and Molly is excited for using the trailer instead of horrified like last year. (Bobby is now too big for it and I think his fear was setting her off).

While Gen was away:

-I set up a coats/shoes/pocket-stuff/face-checking, plant-holding station at the front door. I love it. The kids stuff goes in a book-case with only one shelf at the bottom and hooks installed in the top part. They can get it easily. Things are tidier!

-I finished my oar! and I hung it up in the hallway between our bedrooms and it’s beautiful (and not really functional because it’s my first ever oar and I fucked up some things) and she wants to hang some Haida art she has on the wall opposite and it will be beautiful.

-I purged and reorganized the kids play space. I have had a big black garbage bag full of toys, unopened play dough packages, games, puzzles etc sitting on my front porch for days. People just don’t want a random bag of free toys(!!!) so I’ll do the less-lazy work this evening and post the items for sale (see the cash cash cash note above)

Ok so this is my brain ramblings. Finito!

On this day:

In 2014 – swimming! (not really)
In 2013 – yes this process has been so useful for me! I’m way less often overwhelmed by life.
In 2010 – I wrote a post for a different blog
In 2008 – I worked from home.
In 2007 – UGH I MISS DRUMMING
In 2006 – ” I got sick half way through the first kitten’s head but I did eat all of their eyeballs.”
In 2005 – My boobs back then were different than they are now.