I’m moving beyond the exciting feeling of overwhelming love.
I’m moving into exploring the depths of the emotion.
What is it to love deeply?
What is it to love someone who may not return that love?
Does love breed more love?
How has my focus shifting from “looking for love” to “exploring love” changed the way I perceive the love that exists around me?
Does love for people, places, things, and non-human beings have different characteristics from one another?
What is tangible about love?
On this day:
In 2009 – juice is not a meal replacement (but I still enjoy it)
In 2008 – meeting the amazing Julie Keon for the first time
In 2006 – if I had to re-do this today, calling the police would not have happened
In 2005 – back when kindness was a thing we shared
On November 25, 1999, my father died.
I didn’t really deal with it. We weren’t close, emotionally. We also lived 5 hours apart from each other and only saw each other a handful of times per year for the last 4 years of his life.
Before his death, he made sure my name was on the deed to his cottage, and he leased it to his friend for fifteen years, so I’d have time to grow the fuck up before having to take care of a property.
For the past few years I knew that once I regained possession, I would sell it. It’s so far away, and inconvenient. But after a year on the market, there have been no bites.
In the past few months, I’ve done some growing inward, outward, and through. I’m seeing the ways in which ancestry and progeny are part of a continuum and also how they are indistinct from one another. I’m seeing the ways in which land and plant and animal are all basically just different parts of a whole. I’m starting to see the ways that souls leave permanent marks.
She came into my life at the time my father died. I have to deal with his death all over again, with this new perspective. But instead of it being a continuation of this end of life, I find myself welcoming my father into my heart. Back into my heart? Into my heart for the first time?
I suddenly feel that it would be a Great Tragedy to sell this land, handed down to me from my father.
We now have a relationship I can manage, I can understand it, where I failed to before. I feel comfort within it. I want to continue to nurture this relationship between me and my father and this land.
But where does that leave me with my living relatives? I feel uncomfortable with some among them. I don’t feel particular close to any, in that chummy way I read about, in that lay-down-our-lives-for-one-another way I see in movies. I don’t know how to pursue bonds that are satisfying. I don’t know how to move on from all the hurts.
I don’t trust them.
I don’t know how to reconcile my desire to honour ancestry and lineage with my lack of ability to connect more deeply with those who remain.
On this day:
My body doesn’t recover as well as it once did, and I dare say, is degenerating noticeably, but my spiritual and emotional self becomes more capable with time.
Maybe death is the letting go of the need for a body and moving all energy into consciousness.
The last couple months are the ones were it finally happened. That knowing of death in the less and less distant future. Gone are the days that although I KNOW no one lives forever, it still doesn’t feel real that I might cease to exist.
So what am I doing?
How am I spending my time?
What is important?
On this day:
Oh hey, the weather changed! You know what that means? My brain is all “time for new and exciting things!” I don’t even know which things! Transitions transitions.
I guess the real actual bookstore is opening soon. Probably within a month of today. So that’s a big deal.
Also it’s bright out later and I can bike around.
Also I’m gardening little baby seedlings for outdoors and purging my home of lots of stuff and trying to make some cash cash cash and cooking more meals for myself and my family/housemates.
Gen – you are family now I guess so now I don’t need to “/housemate” everything.
I am SO INTO doing things alone for like, at least an hour a day, but more is better.
I want to find a bunch of beautiful rocks/stones. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?
I want to get the kids going on actual bike expeditions instead of in circles on our street and I feel like this is the year. Bobby’s confidence has sky-rocketed for using his bike, and Molly is excited for using the trailer instead of horrified like last year. (Bobby is now too big for it and I think his fear was setting her off).
While Gen was away:
-I set up a coats/shoes/pocket-stuff/face-checking, plant-holding station at the front door. I love it. The kids stuff goes in a book-case with only one shelf at the bottom and hooks installed in the top part. They can get it easily. Things are tidier!
-I finished my oar! and I hung it up in the hallway between our bedrooms and it’s beautiful (and not really functional because it’s my first ever oar and I fucked up some things) and she wants to hang some Haida art she has on the wall opposite and it will be beautiful.
-I purged and reorganized the kids play space. I have had a big black garbage bag full of toys, unopened play dough packages, games, puzzles etc sitting on my front porch for days. People just don’t want a random bag of free toys(!!!) so I’ll do the less-lazy work this evening and post the items for sale (see the cash cash cash note above)
Ok so this is my brain ramblings. Finito!
On this day:
In 2014 – swimming! (not really)
In 2013 – yes this process has been so useful for me! I’m way less often overwhelmed by life.
In 2010 – I wrote a post for a different blog
In 2008 – I worked from home.
In 2007 – UGH I MISS DRUMMING
In 2006 – ” I got sick half way through the first kitten’s head but I did eat all of their eyeballs.”
In 2005 – My boobs back then were different than they are now.
I own land.
It’s so far away.
My dad died 15 years ago and we owned this land together and it was leased out to his bro-friend for all this time and now I have it. On the first of January, the lease on it ended and Shawn and I road-tripped there to check it out. It was super weird for me.
The land is so gorgeous. It’s a big private peninsula. It has rocks and trees and lake and it’s own miniature island. The drive there is brutally long. It makes it Not Worth Keeping, which is fine because I can transfer that capital into a living space and cottage-place here.
Anyway, that’s not the discussion. Going there with the intention of taking out any remaining memories and artifacts and saying bye to a place that was really important to my dad was rough. It was also rough because it’s actually a 3 season cottage and I couldn’t figure out how to turn on all the baseboard heaters so we made a little camp in front of the wood stove and even then we were still seeing our breath.
Shawn went through everything in the space while I mostly just observed and gave opinions on keep/toss and told some anecdotes. It was so perfect. I just had to take everything in and process what it all meant. I still don’t know. I’m writing this all while not knowing how I feel about it.
I dunno. I’m excited about what the future holds for me because of this cottage but I’m sad that keeping it and using it regularly isn’t really viable.
I didn’t take any pictures while I was there, except for one, of the road ahead while driving away in the middle of a snowstorm.
On this day:
In 2014 – ha this is funny because I actually have a sleepover ‘booked’ for tomorrow night.
In 2012 – GOSH mini-Molly
In 2008 – pregnant-birthday-extravaganza
In 2006 – OMG Goldstein’s! Now it’s a dollar store 😦
In 2005 – not bad!
We had flown across the country and explored a city, on foot, non-stop save for 8 hours of sleep per night, for 3 days. The only alone-awake time I had was when I was pooping. I was feeling terribly irritable and we had just gotten on a greyhound bus and all I wanted to do was look out the window in silence, but that was not to be. I didn’t yet know I was at my absolute limit on socialization.
I knew I had limits. I’ve passed them before, without paying too much attention and just recovering by being a hermit for a day. On a vacation in another city, with my partner, on my way to visit his family for the first time, not socializing was not a possibility.
At the end of the greyhound ride, I had it figured out and was able to vocalize it. “I need some alone time”, just as the first of 4 relatives, the people with whom we would spend all our time over the next two days, pulled into the parking lot to pick us up.
I tried, and I know I failed, to be the me that is ready for this, the me that has a full battery-pack of social energy and knows how to use it. So we visited with family for 2 days, and I engaged as much as I could on the little energy I had, and it was painful. I knew I was giving a terrible impression and yet there was nothing I could do to change that course, right in that moment.
Anyway. It felt tense to me.
And then we went off and I was able to do things that replenish me, like sit in silence and reflect on all the things I had done over the now 5 days and figure out a way to still do as much as we wanted and also have time so I could process the events and not just keep all those thoughts and events in the “to file” part of my brain.
So this was basically the worst part of my trip because it was that moment when I said “Oh wow – I am at my absolute LIMIT right now, and yet, I can not step back for another 2 days” but it was ALSO a really great thing to go through, in the grand scheme of My Life, because it helped me put together the puzzle of emotional warning signs, level of interaction, level of activity, and time, into one package and I now have a greater understanding of how to practice self-care preemptively.
On this day:
In 2013 – feeling the feelings
In 2012 – unpacking my baggage
In 2007 – I don’t remember why I was getting up so early
In 2006 – It’s really embarrassing that there are things on this to-do list that I have still not done.
In 2005 – oh that coat. I think I wore it this one time and then traded it for the sourest lemon pie of all time.