The worst part of our trip to Vancouver

We had flown across the country and explored a city, on foot, non-stop save for 8 hours of sleep per night, for 3 days. The only alone-awake time I had was when I was pooping. I was feeling terribly irritable and we had just gotten on a greyhound bus and all I wanted to do was look out the window in silence, but that was not to be. I didn’t yet know I was at my absolute limit on socialization.

I knew I had limits. I’ve passed them before, without paying too much attention and just recovering by being a hermit for a day. On a vacation in another city, with my partner, on my way to visit his family for the first time, not socializing was not a possibility.

At the end of the greyhound ride, I had it figured out and was able to vocalize it. “I need some alone time”, just as the first of 4 relatives, the people with whom we would spend all our time over the next two days, pulled into the parking lot to pick us up.

I tried, and I know I failed, to be the me that is ready for this, the me that has a full battery-pack of social energy and knows how to use it. So we visited with family for 2 days, and I engaged as much as I could on the little energy I had, and it was painful. I knew I was giving a terrible impression and yet there was nothing I could do to change that course, right in that moment.

Anyway. It felt tense to me.

And then we went off and I was able to do things that replenish me, like sit in silence and reflect on all the things I had done over the now 5 days and figure out a way to still do as much as we wanted and also have time so I could process the events and not just keep all those thoughts and events in the “to file” part of my brain.

So this was basically the worst part of my trip because it was that moment when I said “Oh wow – I am at my absolute LIMIT right now, and yet, I can not step back for another 2 days” but it was ALSO a really great thing to go through, in the grand scheme of My Life, because it helped me put together the puzzle of emotional warning signs, level of interaction, level of activity, and time, into one package and I now have a greater understanding of how to practice self-care preemptively.

On this day:

In 2013 – feeling the feelings
In 2012 – unpacking my baggage
In 2007 – I don’t remember why I was getting up so early
In 2006 – It’s really embarrassing that there are things on this to-do list that I have still not done.
In 2005 – oh that coat. I think I wore it this one time and then traded it for the sourest lemon pie of all time.


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