internal dialogue

I don’t even know what’s up with me.

It’s not like I’ve never had unprotected sex before. But then, I always knew it was happening and was taking that risk with full informed consent.

Now I’m having this weird crisis where on the one hand I feel like my body is actually full of gross disease and that nobody should want to be with me and I don’t blame them so I’m just having a bunch of self pity.

On the other hand, it’s actually not the hugest deal. The chance that I got anything is pretty low and I can just use barriers like I normally would until the results come back.

It just feels like there is a thing. There is something blocking me. I mean, it could be the fact that it has been a week since I’ve had an orgasm, anytime I get close now I just cry.

Because obviously my desire for orgasms is what led me to have sex with an unsafe person and so CLEARLY this slut shaming message is ingrained in me to some extent.

And it’s one thing to know that things are ok and it’s not the end of the world, even if I have an STI now, but like, I FEEL FUCKING TERRIBLE.

I feel sexual and I feel desirous but I also don’t want to inflict my obviously vile self on anybody.

My internal dialogue on this is so fucked up.

I really need to be made loved with.

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