Continuous Consent

{EDIT}I had originally posted this as a protected entry because I was worried about how it would make the other person involved feel. I have removed any indication of the person’s name and I feel that it’s fair of me to openly discuss the happenings of my life. 

 

Last night I had a 2nd date with someone that I thought was pretty cool. But I know myself and our date time was after sunset so I had Gen promise to come out of the house with me beforehand so I wouldn’t cancel in favour of being in my pj’s looking at porn on Tumblr.

She and I went to Raw Sugar and it ended up being Beats and Boards and the music was so good that I was chair dancing, and I had a beer, and a whoopie pie, and a boozy hot chocolate. Then my date arrived and the three of us had an enjoyable time chatting and being silly and being serious. Then we all left and Gen went home and I went to his place.

We went to his place and had some fun sex. It was fun because we were laughing and joking around pretty much throughout everything.  At the start we had a talk about our respective safe sex practices, sexual boundaries that are non-negotiable and things that are stuff that can happen later down the road, so that was good to set the tone and feel safe within the limits.
At the end he asked me how I rationalized him coming in me (because I had previously stated that a penis in my vagina MUST have a condom on it and that I do not want any semen in my body) and WHAT THE FUCK? Turns out, near the end, he took off the condom (without me noticing) and we did some other stuff and then had sex again and he came. I had not at all realized he had taken it off and he did not say anything about it until after.

I immediately got dressed and went home and got in the shower and washed myself out as best I could and cried and cried while Shawn was just with me in the bathroom, being an awesome partner.

This morning I got a text message from the date:

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UGH

 

Like, it’s so fucking easy to just be all “whoops” when you are not the one who has to deal with any of the possible repercussions. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

Actually NO. NOBODY FUCK YOU.

This is a feminist/consent-preaching guy.

He was SO SORRY about it and HE WAS FEELING BAD but started off with “I had a fun time! Thanks!” and not something like “Wow I feel really awful about what happened last night. How are you feeling?” etc.

GAHHHHHHHHHH

On this day:

in 2010 – bitching for the cure
in 2009 – sometimes I bite my nails but WAY WAY less now that I’m not constantly stressed out
in 2008 – tomato leg!
in 2007 – genital tricks
in 2005 – I really miss this Pilates class. It was awesome

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9 Comments on “Continuous Consent”

  1. Libby says:

    I’ve had “feminist men” pull all kinds of shit– I’m convinced they’re the new “nice guys.” I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. That dude fucking sucks.

  2. rljd says:

    “I didn’t realize until after the fact” is such a transparent lie, especially after the bizarrely worded (to shift agency?) question of how YOU “rationalize” what he did. Sleazy and irresponsible and disrespectful to say the least. I’m so sorry you were treated that way.

  3. Sam says:

    Oh T… so sorry to hear that you had to deal with this shit, and that someone you liked and trusted has turned out scummy. Big hugs.

  4. A. says:

    UGH what a gross person. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

  5. […] to a fun dance party that I had never been to before. About halfway into the night, I noticed that this person I have no good feelings for was present and I was pretty upset. Mostly because it was the first time we’d run into each […]


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