Trigger(s)Posted: July 27, 2014
I shared this link on my facebook page and wrote this:
I remember getting the argument that I obviously wasn’t fully into making my marriage work because I refused to sign over all of my assets to my husband.
Good fucking lord.
We split all our expenses 50/50, except for the fact that he lied to me about how much our car and home insurance cost and so I was actually paying even more than my share, while he was consistently making $20 000 more than me per year.
He spent money from our savings and racked up debt from buying guitars, a vintage car, sports season’s tickets and burberry shirts.
I was the only one who bought things for the kids, toys, shoes, clothes (other than in gift-giving situations).
He was so irresponsible with money. Signing my money over to him would have probably been even more stupid than marrying him and having babies by him.
At the end of our relationship, it was he who said I never really tried and he gave me a long list of reasons that were his supposed proof.
-I didn’t give up my money to him
-I didn’t take his last name
-I didn’t choose to leave work and raise kids from home (another way of having no financial independence)
-Once Bobby was born, he became my priority over my ex
-I didn’t want to have sex the way he wanted to have sex (all of the associated story to this makes me want to barf a million times)
The other day, Shawn and I were talking about a sign and for whatever reason, I just could not wrap my head around what he was trying to explain to me. At one point he became visibly frustrated and sarcastic and a tiny bit mean and I instantly felt defeated, deflated, and small. I felt like there was no point in me talking, in me trying to understand. There was no point in doing anything other than closing in on myself and crying.
This is how Brent treated me pretty much all the time. Even now I still get super long text messages or emails with no apparent intent other than hurting me. I’ve gotten away from it and have surrounded myself with people who treat me with kindness and dignity but even still, people will sometimes legitimately become frustrated with me and behave in a similar way.
I have learned to mostly avoid it but I haven’t yet learned to deal with it. Even now, a few days later, I’m feeling uneasy about the interaction between Shawn and myself. We’ve obviously talked about it a whole bunch and we are so very good. This uneasiness is not about Shawn. It’s about me learning that I have to develop a new skill but WTF I just don’t even want those situations to happen because they hurt me so fucking deeply, but they will happen, even inadvertently, by people who love me and never ever want to hurt me, and so I need to practice coping with that. How do I practice that without just repeatedly feeling awful?