I’m working on it.Posted: July 15, 2014
Things have been difficult the last couple weeks.
Shawn was gone for a long time and, as anticipated, it’s taking some time for us to reconnect. I think we have had differing expectations. I want to feel so close to him again, and I figure it will just look different from how it did before, since things have happened and we’ve grown and changed in that time. Like – our closeness and openness will be the same, but the details of how we spend our time or how we choose to share will be different, we rejoined with different ideas about how that would work and what it would look like. That doesn’t mean it’s bad at all though, I’m glad that we spoke of these incongruities in expected outcomes because we can see where the other is, and know in which direction to walk to meet each other.
To me, it means that we get to re-learn each other and fall in love again (and again and again – do other people fall in love with the same person so many times?) and that is an exciting thing for me. But it’s also difficult in the way that I miss that easy feeling we’ve had. I know we will be back there, but I want it to come more quickly than it is coming.
The re-connection is likely taking longer than we both anticipated because I also am having Big Feelings for a new person in my life. This is really the first time I’ve been feeling this way with someone while dating Shawn and we are busy navigating what that means for us and how we need to adjust to make that space. And I’m also navigating similar things with this new person.
I’m finding it difficult to balance my time between the two of them as well as finding time for just me, or to focus on the kids, or spend time with friends. Each of these relationships has its own needs and speeds and paths to travel and I guess I’m trying to figure out what all of that is so I can best accommodate everything/everyone. I don’t feel like it will be difficult forever. solving problems and doing what I need to make my life great and awesome. But I need to acknowledge that I’m in the middle of a process that is a bit confusing and is new to me and so I don’t necessarily know how to do it so well right now.
I need to do more work at opening my heart. I need to communicate deeply and in a timely way. I need to try harder to push through my fears to get to that Vulnerable Spot where I speak my truths.
I’m working on it.
On this day: