UGH. I am just so fucking tired of dudes.
*trigger warning: references to sexual violence
But I guess it’s really that I’m so fucking tired of Brent continually triggering me, and of being triggered in my life about shit that happened at his hands.
Shawn and I were having an intimate/not necessarily sexual moment last night and this one thing happened (it was not a bad thing because Shawn is so tender and loving and careful, but there was a certain similar sensation and then my body just reacted out of muscle memory or something and I just had a whole bunch of fear about physical harm in my crotch area) and I just could not stop having awful visions in my mind. I stayed up late just trying to keep my eyes open to stop picturing things.
But it’s like.. I was so horny and then had a meltdown and so I guess doing-its are no longer appropriate because all of my hard emotions but I’m still horny and frustrated and so I’m mad that Brent has fucked that up for me and I know it hasn’t been that long that we’ve been apart and I’ve started to heal but it also feels like sometimes I just feel way more traumatized now than when I was even with him but I guess I just turned everything off and was just numb back then.
So there’s that.
And there’s also all the stupid dicks who are #notallmen and it fucking grosses me out and I’m happy that I don’t really have to personally deal with any of them. But at the same time, women who are close to me do and I want to be supportive of these women but I ALSO find their interactions with these men semi-triggering but mostly incredibly frustrating. Like, I’m mad at these dudes for even being in my friends’ lives and not taking their lived experiences seriously.
ON THE OTHER HAND
I’m so glad I have a beautiful network of friends who Get It and I don’t have to live this crap in all of my interactions. I’m glad that I can have lunch with a group of my coworkers and we can mock the sexism and homophobia and racism that we all encounter in our workplace and have a sense of solidarity. I’m glad that I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to curate my life so that I am finally in the life I want and have the support I need to grow and move forward instead of just fighting for whatever space I am allowed to have.