These are run-on sentences and incomplete thoughts and mind-wanderings.

UGH. I am just so fucking tired of dudes.

*trigger warning: references to sexual violence

But I guess it’s really that I’m so fucking tired of Brent continually triggering me, and of being triggered in my life about shit that happened at his hands.

Shawn and I were having an intimate/not necessarily sexual moment last night and this one thing happened (it was not a bad thing because Shawn is so tender and loving and careful, but there was a certain similar sensation and then my body just reacted out of muscle memory or something and I just had a whole bunch of fear about physical harm in my crotch area) and I just could not stop having awful visions in my mind. I stayed up late just trying to keep my eyes open to stop picturing things.

But it’s like.. I was so horny and then had a meltdown and so I guess doing-its are no longer appropriate because all of my hard emotions but I’m still horny and frustrated and so I’m mad that Brent has fucked that up for me and I know it hasn’t been that long that we’ve been apart and I’ve started to heal but it also feels like sometimes I just feel way more traumatized now than when I was even with him but I guess I just turned everything off and was just numb back then.

So there’s that.

And there’s also all the stupid dicks who are #notallmen and it fucking grosses me out and I’m happy that I don’t really have to personally deal with any of them. But at the same time, women who are close to me do and I want to be supportive of these women but I ALSO find their interactions with these men semi-triggering but mostly incredibly frustrating. Like, I’m mad at these dudes for even being in my friends’ lives and not taking their lived experiences seriously.


I’m so glad I have a beautiful network of friends who Get It and I don’t have to live this crap in all of my interactions. I’m glad that I can have lunch with a group of my coworkers and we can mock the sexism and homophobia and racism that we all encounter in our workplace and have a sense of solidarity. I’m glad that I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to curate my life so that I am finally in the life I want and have the support I need to grow and move forward instead of just fighting for whatever space I am allowed to have.