Dream a little dream

I never dreamed about getting married, having kids, or owning a house and a car in the suburbs. Yet, somehow, that’s how things ended up for me.

On those hot summer nights, years before I ever experienced the luxury of falling asleep in an air-conditioned room, I imagined all kinds of adventures for myself. I would picture my hand plunging into the earth and digging. Maybe for a huge vegetable plot or maybe digging out ancient buildings to be studied. I saw myself traveling to all the big cities of the world. I imagined rowing across a still body of water and I felt the satisfaction of doing good things for my community. When I thought of a partner, my mind-wanderings consistently brought me to thoughts of someone artistic and full of passions. I wasn’t doing all these things with that partner, but I always envisioned falling asleep in their arms, full of the feeling of satisfaction from a productive and fulfilling life.

This is important for me to say, because I lived a life of not sharing my dreams. I’ve feared letting people in on what I want. I’ve been afraid of being met with ridicule, skepticism and judgement. This made it easier, when my life took a path through a series of tough turns (moving cities and losing my friend-base, the death of my father, living on my own while still in high-school etc.), for me to just switch off the path of what I wanted, and head down a path that seemed much more clear and defined.

I got married. I had two children. I lived away from community and connection. I tried to move my current path closer to my wanted path. It was such hard work. Often, getting the two paths closer together for some time would cause them to wildly diverge for far longer than the initial attempt held. It seemed pointless to even try, after a certain amount of effort had been wasted.

What seemed like a clear and defined path had slowly changed shape and topography. It got to be too different from the path I had wanted all those years ago, and still, under it all, yearned to walk down. Since it was so far from what my soul knew, it became impossible for me to navigate. I tried to look for the path I wanted and I thought it was just at the bottom of a gully off the side of the path. I’m still not sure if I jumped off, or if I was pushed. It’s probably a mixture of both.

The path I’m on now is not leading me to the exact situations I dreamed about, it leads me through the same experiences though. I have two small people that I’m raising and I have strong and clear ideas of the wonderful people I would like them to be. I’m constantly thinking about what I need to teach them so they can be caring to others and do good things for their communities. I now live a life where I can take on any adventure I choose and am supported and cared for and encouraged. I have community that feeds me knowledge and experience and creativity and skill. The more I take in, the more I can share with my children. So, not only do I get to do whatever good I can, as one person, but I can sew the seeds of good in my children and help them grow into greater forces of good than I.

I feel very satisfied in knowing that even though I strayed from the path I should have been on, I picked up a couple of good things on my detour, and they can benefit from these experiences I’m now having.

On this day:

In 2007 – lies
In 2006 – because because because because because

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2 Comments on “Dream a little dream”

  1. alyssa77x says:

    🙂 this inspires me.

  2. KG says:

    (moving cities and losing my friend-base, the death of my father, living on my own while still in high-school etc.), << all those things happened to me too :/

    Love the visualization of boating through a clear body of water.


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