working on a new point of view

I recently read the following:

I’m most vulnerable to jealousy when I’m feeling both love and sexual arousal. Love is felt primarily in my heart center, in the center of the chest, as a sensation of expansion or sometimes cracking open or radiating outward. These physical sensations are accompanied by a sense of connection or oneness with others. Sexual arousal arises from the pelvic region as a high-voltage current, heat and tingling from my pelvic floor up into my genitals and lower abdomen, radiating both downward to my toes and upward to the top of my head. Both sensations are very pleasurable and can easily induce a desire to join with another to further increase and disperse the energy. They raise my sensitivity to stimuli of all kinds and at the same time raise my pain threshold. The experience is one of being supercharged or energized and at the same time feeling everything inside me and around me more deeply.

If something then occurs that I think might separate me from my beloved or love object, fear and/or anger arise within me. The fear is felt as a contraction, a tightening, and a shutting down. The anger is energizing, like sexual arousal, and like sexual arousal, it seeks a release and connection with something outside me, but it also hardens my heart center, contracting it and walling it off. These impulses of contraction and shutting down collide with the already established wave of expansion and opening up. Mind and body are confused. They cannot gracefully contain such duality. Unable to wrap my consciousness around this resounding contradiction, I long to jump out of my skin and call this powerful, churning, open-and-closed-at-the-same-time sensation jealousy. If I stay with it, I find I have some choices. I can channel this energy into further opening my heart, amplifying my arousal, leaving my body, or exploding in anger.


I had been thinking a lot about the source of my insecurities and what triggers me to have jealous feelings. I think I’ve pretty much narrowed it down and have a clear view of what it is. And so from there, I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what I should DO about it.

Recently, Shawn was meeting up with someone with whom he sometimes has intimate moments and although I haven’t had jealousy feelings about this situation in the past, I thought I might. I didn’t know what their plans were. I came home to an empty house and my mind started ruminating on what they could possibly be up to, what I could possibly be missing out on myself and before getting down I made the conscious decision to turn these thoughts into good things.

They were spending nice times together (whatever it was – at that point, I had no idea, it could have been standing in line at the post-office as easily as it could have been doing all the sexy stuff I like best), I decided to focus on that, and be happy for them both in their happiness and then to look at a bunch of hot porn and pleasure myself.

Good call, I think. I felt totally fine about things and when Shawn and I checked in with each other, I still felt mostly fine. I feel like this is a big success because lately, I’ve ended up feeling REALLY NOT AT ALL fine very intensely for an hour or a day and then things would settle. This was a much more pleasant experience. 😉


3 Comments on “working on a new point of view”

  1. alyssa77x says:

    Wow, this is actually amazing. Your recent entries are blowing my mind as I start to catch up.

    • Tiana says:

      Aww I’m glad! Sometimes I feel like I’m writing these out into the Nothingness. And that’s fine, because that’s how I work things out, but I also like to hear feedback. Like, if people agree or disagree and why.

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