fertility and infertility

Nearly a year ago, I had a tubal ligation (summarized in ONE TWO THREE parts). I was fortunate that I had this as a birth control option, and that it was covered by my provincial health care plan. I paid not one cent for this (other than paying my taxes because I’m a pro-taxation person). I had lots of really great reasons for doing this:

– I have two wonderful children
– Pregnancy is hard on me in many ways, the most significant being severe depression
– IUD and chemical birth control don’t work for me, I don’t want to rely solely on barrier methods

ETC

Even though this is 100% what I wanted, I still struggle with the fact that I am now infertile.
-Now and then, I get the baby rabies, although it’s definitely not as intense or long-lasting as back when I was trying to conceive.
-My partner speaks about wanting kids someday and we have the kind of relationship that allows him the space to pursue this but part of me is all I want to help you do this and my first instinct on that is Make A Baby In Me but there are so many other options so after feeling sad for a day I move on.
-I’m in a situation where having the type of birth I had wanted would be fully supported and I feel like I missed out on what could have been a more amazing experience.

For the past few days, I’ve had feelings of nausea whenever I ate. I thought to myself, there is a chance the tubal ligation didn’t fully work. There’s no way to test it other than waiting to see if I ever become pregnant again. And then I realized that I haven’t taken my B-12 since I moved in September and my old anemia symptoms are coming back.

I don’t regret the choice I made to have this surgery, but sometimes I still feel like I’m grieving something. That’s ok. That’s making real choices in life.

On this day:

In 2008 – “that hot chocolate is better than average sex”
In 2007 – that time I was taking care of my MIL’s dogs while pregnant and being barely able to function
In 2006 – I still dig that alarm clock

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4 Comments on “fertility and infertility”

  1. I enjoyed this. I just wrote a fiction piece on the topic and I have a friend having her tubes tied today.

  2. Libby says:

    My husband was the one to get “fixed,” but I’ve already decided that I’m doing this on the off-chance we divorce or he drops dead. Hormonal birth control frightens me, and I’ve never used it. Condoms are the worst. An IUD might be okay, but it’s not foolproof and I think getting pregnant again would be the worst possible thing for me (especially however many years down the road this might actually be an issue). I appreciate what you’ve said about not being able to give your partner children, because I’ve considered that side, too. I think the biological urge to procreate is a form of madness.

  3. Ms. Lia says:

    This is a great entry and it’s fantastic to see someone acknowledging real feelings about the decisions we make. ❤


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