Here’s a thing about me.

It takes me a while to get a handle on people. And that includes me. There are some things about myself that I fully understand and there are some things about myself that leave me baffled, temporarily, anyhow.

From pretty much the first 5 minutes of meeting each other, Shawn was asking me questions about myself that I could not even begin to understand how to answer. I would stammer something along the lines of “I.. don’t… uh…. know?” and then alternate between actively thinking about the topic or just letting it settle somewhere in my belly. Then, anywhere from 3 hours to 3 weeks later, I’d have it solved and I’d send him a big email or other written-not-oral message that was often rambly and would explain everything. It was super neat because these were things that had never even crossed my mind as Things To Contemplate. In trying to get to know each other better, I was getting to know myself better as well.

I’m writing this in the past-tense. I shouldn’t be. I’m hopped up on a sugar-loaded cinnamon latte. I’m swimming in my mind from reading through the entries from this amazing dating experiment.  So I’m thinking about all the little things people learn about each other when they first start dating and I’ve been sending Shawn a bunch of Facebook messages about all kind of things today and those two things together have been reminding me of when I used to send him paragraph upon paragraph detailing my thought process on why I am so awkward about letting a person know I have emotions like any other human being (for instance).

Lately, I haven’t been writing to him in these ways as much. We haven’t been spending as much time asking each other things that make us wonder. Also, I’m more able to actually answer, with words. Either in the moment, or soon after. I remember I used to be sitting next to him, repeating the things I wanted to say in my mind for what felt like FOREVER and just not being able to make those words pass through my lips. It’s a ‘problem’ I’ve had for much of my life.  I find it much easier to have things go quickly from brain to mouth lately. I like that. There are way less moments of thinking that people don’t know where I am coming from or that there is important information that I need to convey but can’t because of bashfulness. I feel like, due to this progress, I get way more out of my relationships now. I’m not as reticent to ask intimate questions and give intimate answers.

I was thinking about it in terms of “remember when we used to ___?” and then I thought that Shawn and I are so awesome. We are in love and we make each other better. We don’t need to live with memories. We can decide to do all the great things we ‘used to’ do all over again, except even better.

OMG I’m so in love and I’m being all publicly gushy about it on the internet.


THE ???

On this day:

In 2007 – Women’s representation in publicly displayed dead bodies


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