same but differentPosted: June 3, 2013
I posted this yesterday as a protected entry but today I don’t feel so guarded about it. Here you go The Public.
The style of open relationship that I had with Brent was very easy for me. I was totally stoked for him to go out and bang some ladies and tell me all the details when he got home. He wasn’t interested in developing ‘relationships’ (or at least that’s not what he presented to me) and I was happy to go out and have some fun and come home at the end of the night. It was kind of like, seeing other people was a side-dish to the main course of our life together. Not even a side dish. Like an every now and then dessert. (until things started going extremely poorly in our relationship, and then everything was kind of awful)
Now things are different and I’m still figuring it all out for myself. I’m partnered with Shawn. He is not into emotionless bangs. And I’m glad for that because he has a loving heart and I get to benefit from that but I also have a lot of fear and trepidation because of it. Personally, I feel like I’m transitioning from wanting one primary partner with a side of stricktly booty calls to just letting my relationships with all people I meet develop in their own way and see what happens and be open and honest about that with everyone that needs to know.
I feel good and mostly confident with where I am at but I am having lots of trouble with my feelings about potentially not being the only significant other in Shawn’s life. In my ideal imaginings, it’s all a bunch of hippie free-love stuff. But it’s a lot of work to unlearn jealousy and those ownershippy kind of feelings and I’m struggling.
Right now, I kind of feel like I need to start over at zero in this ‘having an open relationship’ process and that’s a bit deflating. But it’s also a bit exciting. I’m really trying to examine what my relationship needs are, why I need what I do, what are resonable expectations to have from others in my life and how I can set up boundaries to protect myself in a way that is not unfair to others. It is A LOT of hard internal work and it feels so slow and scary and important.
Immediately, I wish I had more friends in similar situations. I could use more advice than I’m getting from a book and the few people I know who have gone through this process.