be stillPosted: May 28, 2013
For a while, I was really into swimming at lunch multiple times a week. The frequency took a big nosedive around the time of my abortion and tubal ligation and now I just don’t do it. I’ve been thinking about it lately. It’s one of those things that I want to WANT to do, but the desire is no longer there. “But why?” I ask myself.
Back when I was all into swimming, I was really fucking stressed out. My marriage was ending, I was moving, I had an unexpected pregnancy and an upcoming surgery. I needed a space where nothing was happening except that my body was working to get me from point A to point B without drowning.
It was meditation.
It was escape.
It was solitude.
It was communing with my soul.
I’m not in need of that now. With that time, there are other things that I would rather do to enrich my life.
I feel I’ve been very physical and in my body since Friday.
I had left my car with my sister for the weekend so after work I walked Chinatown with Shawn. I got to check out High Jinx finally. I had been wanting to for some time but every time I passed by I was either busy doing something else with the kids, or it was closed. We ate at The Daily Grind and they have such a neat concept of a space. I won’t spoil it for you. Go there. Go upstairs. Explore it. They put out drawing materials on all the tables so I drew an owl and Shawn and I collaborated on a drawing in which he is some kind of hunchback and I whip him while he carried boxes of books. Art is life is art. Then we explored the local shops for training chop sticks for Bobby and Molly. All the shops that had them were closed.
Saturday was the Great Glebe Garage Sale. I had left my double stroller Chez Ma Soeur. We went to get it on the way to GGGS and when assembling it, realized I had left one of the 3 wheels at home and that it wouldn’t really be useful to us. MERDE! We strode out with a backpack and two grocery bags each. Once we were fully burdened, we brought our loot back to our base and went out again. We came back with one more load and obtained hundreds of books. It was a lot of work. Originally, I had hoped to go to Art in the Park AND Art in the Alley after the GGGS but my feet were way too sore. We went to the Elgin Street Diner and enjoyed watching the racers zip past the window.
On Sunday, I modelled for a new (to me) group out in Nepean, then I met up with Shawn at Ravenswing. I was feeling very upset. My body was tired and I had quite the hard time getting from Nepean to Minto Park and I cried in the park and it took me a good while before I could just enjoy myself instead of feel. What? Almost anxious. I guess release the stress and anxiety that I had during my commute. I bid on 4 items in the Silent Art Auction but didn’t heed Shawn’s warning of bidding lower than I did.
Then we went to Laura’s t get her and my car. We all went to the Glebe to check out Octopus Books, Dragon Tail books, and get some groceries. Once we got back to Laura’s to drop her off I got a phone call. It turned out I ‘won’ 3 of the 4 items but I didn’t expect to and couldn’t afford them all. Back to Ravenswing we went and I chose my favorite and the other two went to the next highest bidders.
At this point we drove to my house where I immediately set to planting some straberries, tomatoes and peppers. Then Jeff came over and we stayed up late playing cards.
Yesterday OUF I was tired! I had to run around on my lunch break to Orleans and back and then after work to Westboro to pick up a lovely book donation from Jacob and his partner. Laura and I explored Hintonburg and then I went to Shawn and basically camped out on his bed until I had to get up for work this morning.
All this to say – my body is tired. I have been doing doing doing and this evening I plan to rest. I plan to work on the things that go on in my mind and in my heart and to find that calm spot I got from swimming, by letting my body be still for a change.
I’ve spent a number of years stuck. I was stuck in a place where both my body and my mind were still for stretches that were far too long. I’m exploring to find my natural pace. Where is the balance I need? I’m not sure there is an answer. I think I need to be mindful every day and take care to provide myself with opportunity for rest and stimulation in response to my changing needs.
On this day: