The following is a bunch of thoughts as they came to me, this is basically exactly how I work through my emotions every time I have them and the process takes way too long.

Why do I feel so horrible?

I hate this feeling of a pit made of darkness and hair tangles and lead sitting right in my belly.

Work work work work work work.

I don’t know how to do this work but it must be done. The only way I can think of to do it is to wallow in it and know everything there is to know about it. Maybe then I can figure out how to get out of it on my own, or how to avoid it altogether while still living what I feel is right.

Is it jealousy? Probably. I always think of jealousy as envy but that’s really not what it is. I also tend to associate it with ill-will and that’s also not what it is. So yeah. Jealousy fits.

How on earth can I work to feel more secure than I already do? I have all the components that it takes to feel totally secure all the time but I don’t actually feel secure all of the time. Is it unrealistic to have that as a goal? I hope not. I want some kind of step by step guide to move beyond this.

LIFE!!! The challenges make it great but I really like to be quick at overcoming them and I feel like this one will be slow, and as a result, torturous.

Edited to add:

It’s like I’m on some kind of mission to totally rediscover myself in the shortest amount if time possible. It feels really urgent but maybe I need to take it easy on myself. Maybe I need to slow down and work on what I’ve already started before I add to it but how can I see something I perceive to be a problem and NOT work on it immediately?


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