good grief

I’m grieving. I only just realized that’s where I’m at this past Tuesday night. Shawn and I were walking home from the drawing workshop at UQO and I was talking about the ways in which my previous relationship had a negative impact on me.

Through that conversation I realized that I have a lot of hurt from the way that relationship was and that I don’t really know (or remember?) what it’s like to be in a relationship where the other person just isn’t hurtful to me. And not only that, but actively takes steps to prevent me from being hurt. And so I felt really happy and comforted knowing that I have that now but I simultaneously felt really really awful that I didn’t have that with Brent.

And I know all the reasons why we didn’t have that and I’m not here trying to put any blame anywhere. I’m owning my feelings on where I am right now. Grieving a relationship that was never as good as it should have been. Feeling sorry for myself for having missed out on something for so long.

This isn’t a feeling that is new to me. I’ve gone through my fair share of trying life situations which led me to feel sorry for myself and I know this isn’t a feeling that will last forever but it’s one I need to experience fully (but I don’t mean constantly) in order to come out of it in a better place.

On this day:

In 2007 – swears
In 2006 – most disgusting quote ever

 

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2 Comments on “good grief”

  1. Wendy says:

    Time does heal I promise!!! Your past relationship was different from anything you’ve ever had before, you vowed to spend the rest of your life with Brent, made a life, set up a home to share and had children together…that’s huge commitment of time and feelings. I can tell you from experience that it can literally can take about 3-5 years to really be over that hurt and disappointment in what was and what could have been. That’s not to say that you can’t enjoy what you have now, but you also need to grieve that past life in order to move forward and appreciate what your building for yourself and your kids now. Give yourself a break !! Take care

  2. important realization and it’ll only make this journey easier for you. you were together a long time, that pain builds up and i believe it can be pretty overwhelming and also very enlightening to be treated as you deserve. it’s healthy to just let it out now. i really love that you have someone who from all appearances seems to be exactly what you need.


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