I have a brain cloud.

On Friday I had a great first date with a guy I had sort of met through Shawn a couple of times. I saw his profile online and sent a “didn’t I meet you in this circumstance?” message and then we started chatting and within a few days had a date set.

Originally, we had planned to go to the Bytowne because I have never ever been there (nor the Mayfair – I know, I fail) but we couldn’t find anything with subtitles or gut-wrenching melodrama on the days we were both available. We decided instead to make a shadow puppet play, subtitles optional.

He picked me up at Bridgehead after my new haircut (by a real professional hair cutting person) and we went to get groceries and ended up at his place. I worked on making (most of) the shadow puppets and he started preparing (most of) dinner (shrimp coconut Thai). He had made an outline for the play. A few days before I had given him these directives:

Characters:

Unirex
Whale
Llamacorn

Drama:

Whale eats everyone at the end.

The plot was great! Maybe someday we will make a video of it and I can share the full story with you.

Soon, we ate, and then we figured I should have a house tour instead of being confined to the dining room and the bathroom. We went to the basement to fire up the projector for our play but it was mega freezing! We turned on the heat for the room and went back upstairs to hang out while it warmed up.

We were chatting on the sofa. He started feeling the short parts of my haircut, which I really liked. I noticed his forearms were shaved, to show off his tattoos, and rubbed my fingers along them to learn what that feels like. Turns out he shaves his face twice a day! I suggested laser hair removal if he wanted to save years of his life from shaving so much. After a bit of this we were ALMOST kissing. I don’t know how to describe it otherwise. You probably know what I mean. And eventually that turned into real kissing and neck kissing (is that necking???) and rubbing up on each other. It would build to super intense and then we’d calm down and chat a bit and then things would get intense again and this cycle repeated a few times. Sometime within this he  said something about undressing me, and I declined and we continued with our make outs.

At one point I started to feel like I was losing some interest in this activity. I was preoccupied with the thought of going home to Shawn’s and hanging out with him and all the things I was interested in getting done with him with regards to our bookstore and the volunteering we had committed to do the next day.

When we got to a more chill period, I said that it was time for me to go. He was unable to drive at the moment and asked me why I wanted to go and suggested I stay until he could drive me. I didn’t want to end up progressing any further, sexually, and I also didn’t want to end up so super tired that I would spend the night, so I explained my situation and we looked up the bus schedule and a few minutes later he walked me to the bus stop and off I went.

Since then, I have been thinking about this a lot. I was feeling that it was really significant to me that I;

1-felt I had gotten to a sexual limit
2-expressed that limit and felt confident that it would be respected

So what follows will be me writing down why these have been significant to me. I need to write it. It’s been swirling around in my head like a dust cloud all weekend and I’ve been having trouble making sense of it.

1

Since Brent and I opened our relationship, I have really just been seeking straight-up sex partners. I’m not disinterested in relationships or friendships with these dudes but I’ve primarily been operating under the whole “We find each other hot, let’s rub our bits together and if it turns out we get along in any other way – that’s icing on the cake”. I didn’t go into this date with that frame of mind at all, really. He’s a fun and interesting guy but there’s nothing about him that makes me want to instantly drop my pants. (I feel like I’m being crass – but I need to be honest with myself about this) So it’s pretty rare that I ever get to the point where I think “ok, I’m done with this” before I’ve had several orgasms.

2

The only other time(s) I have felt that I’ve wanted to stop, have been with Brent. And that makes sense, because we were together for something like 8 years and not every make out should turn into sex. But with him, that would not fly. There was no way that just making out could be something entirely self-contained. There was no way that I could get off and that he couldn’t. There was no way that we could be getting it on and I would lose interest and put a stop to things. It would be a Big Deal and then the manipulation would start and I quickly learned that it just wasn’t worth it. So then it got to the point where if I knew there was any chance that I didn’t want to go as far as he did, then I wouldn’t even start, and that caused a whole OTHER slew of issues.

So I’ve been going back and forth between feeling really awful about the sexual dynamic I had with Brent and really great about being able to have agency over my sexual expression and it’s kind of disheartening because having sexual agency should really be the default and for years and years, it really wasn’t for me.

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