It wasn’t all that long agoPosted: November 22, 2012
in the grand scheme of things anyway, that I fell out of love with Brent.
Things were getting to their breaking point. Brent had given me the ultimatum of being monogamous or being over and I was really struggling with that decision.
First off, I think ultimatums are just the most giant tool of manipulation so I was grouchy about that. Also, our relationship problems were way deeper than a simple experimental foray into seeing other people.
I was really worried about the kids and about how it would be as a single part time parent. I was really worried about what it would mean to have to cut Shawn out of my life, given that I felt he was nothing but a positive influence on it and was in no way guiding me away from my marriage.
I was overwhelmed. Brent has been excellent at constructing our life together in the image he wanted and I no longer wanted that image. I was tired of waiting for my turn. I realized it wasn’t coming.
I went to see a psychologist to try and figure things out for myself. My question was WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?
She didn’t tell me. She asked me the right questions to guide me into answering that for myself. I left her office feeling heard and understood and confident in my decision making ability. I came home and told Brent all about my appointment and what I had resolved.
There was a lot of work to be done in our relationship to make it good and I was so far from satisfied that major changes would have to take place on all fronts. There is a special form of couples therapy that was recommended to me and I was excited to try it with Brent but I wouldn’t break things off with Shawn until we had been to a couple sessions and I could see how things were going. That said, I was willing to pull things back quite a bit with Shawn during this time. Really I wanted to know that Brent was going to give it a real effort, because I had no confidence that he would.
He just blankly said that if I didn’t cut Shawn out of my life completely, right that moment, then we were totally over. He did not care about how I felt about it , that to do such a thing I would need to feel somewhat optimistic about my future with Brent, that I owed it to myself to have some time to decide for myself if that was what I wanted to do.
He was not understanding. I would get that if this were an affair, but it wasn’t. He was also seeing two people as this was taking place and even went on a little vacation with one.
At this point, my heart was done. It was painful. I crumpled and sobbed. Not from losing Brent but from the realization that everything would always be solely about him. He had no caring or empathy or tenderness for me. I felt like I had been such a fool.