latentPosted: November 13, 2012
Mere moments after I awoke this morning, Shawn asked me to explain this. My mind is not the sharpest in the first minutes of wakefulness. I explained it in very broad terms. I’m more awake now.
When we first started dating, the sex was very primal and very frequent. It was, a little bit, exploratory. By that point I’d had sex with only three people so it’s not like I really got around to doing a lot of stuff and the only long-term sex partner I had before my husband really wasn’t all that into sex. After we moved in together, having sex became contingent on my husband’s state of mind.
For instance, the day we moved in together, we had done all the unpacking and I wanted some sexy times. He kept putting it off because something needed to be assembled. Finally I just went to bed. I don’t think we had sex until he had everything arranged ‘just so’ in our apartment. As time went on, and we tried things out, I ended up with a laundry list of things I didn’t want to do. Today I find this shocking, because I enjoy many of those things. But I didn’t enjoy them with him.
He was not careful. I would often get physically hurt. I would often feel like my pleasure was irrelevant or should come as a result of his. I am a sexual person and was horny but I was afraid to engage. I had to put up all kinds of boundaries to physically protect myself and he was not understanding. I would communicate what the problems were and he took it as me being very demanding and always having to have things my way at the expense of him getting things his way.
That was so hurtful. That’s not the way it should be. He made it seem like I was communicating that my pleasure was more important than his. I was IN FACT communicating that my need for safety and care was more important than his selfishness. There was no sense of togetherness. The sex life we ended up with was one that was mostly achieved by coercion. It was not spontaneous or fluid or desirable. There were many nights that I spent bawling because I was made to feel like an uncaring, selfish prude. The nights didn’t start that way but I was worn down by his circular arguments against me. There were good instances and I did have fun once engaging with him, part of the time, but overall it was a game of cat and mouse that I did not enjoy.
I really hadn’t realized how much I didn’t enjoy it and how much of it was just awful and wrong while I was living it. Right now I am feeling a lot of hurt and sadness because of this. I realize that I haven’t worked through it and need to do so in order to let it go.