all the senses and more

Years ago, maybe the second time I was hanging out with Sarah, she was staying over at my place. We went to the roof-garden of the condo for privacy and cigarettes. I forget how the conversation came about but I told her I wanted to be a slut. By this I meant that I want to experience many things with many people. She didn’t take a negative view of this. I knew she wouldn’t.  We were in grade nine at the time.

By the time I had moved away from the suburbs of Toronto to Ottawa, I had ‘fooled around’ with random dudes at concerts and parties, the friends of my girlfriend’s boyfriend (that’s hard to follow), cute neighbour boys at cottages. The life of a catholic school girl…

I loved it.

When I moved to Ottawa, it was totally different. I had no stable social circle. I didn’t want to be known as ‘the easy one’. I was so insecure about how I fit in this community. I started seeing someone and was with him for three years. I broke it off with him because I met someone I was attracted to and didn’t want to cheat. Then I got back together with him because I needed a room mate and that was my only option. Then I broke it off with him again for the pleasure of being with another man.

Shortly after that little tryst I met Brent and was with only him for several years. At first it was really hot. Eventually it was really not, and the scope of our sex life became very narrow and there was resentment and anger and it was just No Fun.

Oh how I feel so alive now. I feel like I’m exploring myself through being physical, sexual, sensual with men. It’s wonderful. Each interaction brings me a different experience, a different knowledge, a new sensation. It’s great to learn the different limitations of each partner and through that know more about my own. I think I’m making it seem like it’s only about sex. In a way it is, but really, sex is a lot of things. It’s communicating and tasting and sharing and listening and teaching and learning and seeing and negotiating and strengthening and smelling and eating and sleeping and breathing.

I don’t know if this will be a forever thing, but it certainly is a ‘for the next while’ thing.


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