the result of snoops

What a change. I don’t even know where to begin.

Brent snooped into my protected blog entries (oh hi there!), my emails, my text messages etc. He saw things written to and by friends that were never meant for his eyes and as such were honest in a way I have never been with him. It was at once terrifying and liberating.

He warned me he had done it on Friday afternoon and that he wanted to talk to me about lots of things that evening once the kids were in bed. ANXIETY! I looked through everything and was not sure about what his reaction would be. I don’t like to be put in a position to have to defend my thoughts and words that were meant as an exploration of what I was feeling and what I wanted to do. Those things were not for him to see as they were not ‘this is what I’ve decided’.

But he didn’t really put me in that position. He didn’t demand explanations or justifications. He apologized for having let things get to the point where I was contemplating leaving him. I guess really, he needed that wake up call because my careful expression of the past was not jarring enough for him to realize the severity of the situation.

Since then, things have been drastically different. His wall is gone. He’s accepting and engaging and caring and inquiring. The person I knew was still in there has liberated himself and I can see him again. There’s obviously still work to do, to keep growing in this way and to find balance between smitten married life, personal social life and individual self exploration.

Things are headed in a place that I had long wanted them to go and for which I had given up all but the faintest of hopes.

{EDITED TO ADD} The disappointing part is that I had to create an emotional bond with someone else before Brent took my needs seriously. It’s not like I kept them a secret although I’ll admit that after some time, I had become complacent about the way things were and stopped putting huge effort in to get nothing in return. I will say for certain though, that I absolutely am a non-monogamist, however, Brent is a monogamist and those two things don’t seem to work together. I’m not sure how that will play out long-term.


3 Comments on “the result of snoops”

  1. T says:

    re: update…
    that is a pretty big challenge

  2. Rachael says:



    First: I am also very sorry that it sometimes takes people an extraordinarily painful realization to effect change. But I think we can get too comfortable with things as they are, even of they aren’t good, and it takes something huge to jar you into the reality that “Oh, relationships take work!”

    It’s not fair for us to be that way.

    It’s also not fair for the others to let things go too far with other people.

    It’s a fucking sucky draw.

    Second: simply said: we choose who to love. If you choose to be infatuated with someone else, then youre going to release tons of oxytocin into your body making you feel more attracted to and bonded to that person. And I know you have said you realize that you don’t have a “real life” experience with Shawn, so you don’t really know what it will be like, but you can say whatever you want and if you continue to choose to elevate him over Brent, for whatever reason, then you’re going to get a hormonally driven, “good feeling” pay-off.

    Ben told me I had the advantage over his mistress because I was his wife. But he NEVER chose to try and make things right with me, to give our relationship time to repair (things don’t break overnight, and so they won’t be fixed) or to stop thinking of her as the more attractive option.

    So: you know I’m biased, but you’ve seen my struggle the past two years as Ben has played out a choice you are facing, and so I know you will respect where I’m coming from when I say this very simply boils down to choosing to love your spouse and make that relationship work, or taken the gamble that you might have a better relationship with this new man – and understanding that it will mean time away from your kids and alienation from mutual friends and extended family and I think you are so smart that you are just simply afraid of missing some “what-if” because you have had time to think about it and Brent hasn’t.

    But I challenge you to really, REALLY consider the “what- if” of making the conscious choice to walk away forever from this magic man and to commit yourself to being with your spouse. Don’t look at saving your marriage as an experiment to be concluded if the results don’t match in your time frame; look at it as a daily investment in your life.

    I know you must have thought of these things – you are very thoughtful. But loving someone is a choice that has nothing to do with how you feel.

    If I treated Ben the way I feel about him right now…well, you read what I say. You know. 🙂

    I’m praying for clarity for you as you face this challenge. And that doesnt mean some
    Patronizing bullshit about “Dear Jesus let Tiana choose her husband and family,” I seriously just mean clarity.


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