I thought I was fine…

emotionally speaking.

I was tired and sluggish so after dinner I went to take a shower. I got to thinking about how it sucks that Brent has been gone so much lately and I’ll be really glad when he’s done all his work trips. Then I thought that a lot of men would go batty leaving their wives to their own devices while they are gone for so long but I guess Brent must really trust me. Either that or he’s just not worried for now because I’m basically asexual.

My mind kept wandering along these lines until I started thinking and wondering if it’s really the pregnancy that has killed my sex drive or if it’s the limited knowledge I have of their physical relationship. I don’t know much about it, but I often think of it. There are certain things that Brent says or does that remind me so much about that MSN conversation I read or just of what I imagine it was like between them.

And then I just shut down. I don’t want to participate in things he did with someone else during our marriage. I don’t want to do anything that would remind him of her in any way.

And then I lost it. I crouched in the tub because I was afraid that my bawling would cause me to slip and I just stayed there and cried until there was no more hot water.

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