rethinking this morning’s post

I’m not so sure letting him in is such a good idea.  Just over an hour ago he couldn’t handle me feeling sad and I just felt utterly alone.  What does it matter why I”m sad? Why can’t he just hug me and comfort me without having to get all “Let’s talk it out”?

I don’t need to talk it out, I need emotional support, compassion and empathy.  I need him to default to that when I’m upset without hounding me about what’s bothering me.

I feel like I always have an undercurrent of sadness and when it doesn’t have a natural release it just comes up on it’s own and he will just keep asking “What made you feel this way?” well nothing!  Nothing caused it to happen it just needed to.  It’s a result of lots of things.  It’s a result of feeling lonely in pregnancy because as much as he is there for me he doesn’t know what it’s like.  It’s a result of being treated like a pawn between parents who can’t communicate with each other.  It’s a result of being cheated on and completely blindsided by it.  It’s a result of having no close friends readily at hand. It’s a result of an entire life of never being able to depend on anyone but myself and that is a lot of pressure.

But no one thing just happened today to make me sad. I just got sad, because I have a lot to be sad about, and that will happen sometimes. And I wish I could depend on someone to be a soft place to fall but I guess I just can’t.

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