Am I imagining the shambles?

I feel like things are going pretty badly right now.

First off there’s how much I still hurt from what happened.  I hate what Brent did to me.  I hate that he used my trust in him against me even after I first confronted him (ie he asked me if I thought he was cheating on me and I said that he didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would do that.  He told me he wasn’t and it ended there but he WAS.  That kills me)  I hate that he knew how much he was hurting me and it kept going on.  Just thinking of what I read between them on the day I found out makes me feel like eternally puking.  And I just know that was only a small fraction of what went on between them.  And that was supposedly when things were “coming to a head”.  I don’t think two people talk like that with each other if things are about to end.

I really hate feeling like it would still be going on now if I didn’t find things out on my own.  Or that even if it were over, he never would have told me.  I’m confident he never would have told me because it took several confrontations with PROOF before he would admit to anything other than friendship.  And even after he knew I was catching on to something it still went on…

I’m having a much harder time getting over the lies and deceit and omissions that I am over the relationship they had.  Isn’t that just crazy?  Maybe not

Secondly I just feel like an emotional mess.  I feel like I did when I was on Depo Provera and constantly freaking out over nothing and needed a psych evaluation.  Conclusion: Depo Provera makes me crazy.  What does it do to the body?  It gives it hormones to make it think it’s pregnant.  This is actually more mild than when I was taking the shot as that was one strong dose.

My crazy feelings come and go now but they come more often then I would like.  It’s like being ruled entirely by emotion that is based on faulty intuition and knowing that it’s wrong but not being able to stop it.  So I feel intensely worked up about something and then when I realize why I’m reacting so strongly I get extremely frustrated with myself and get even more worked up.  Typically, when I’m thinking things through properly, it’s like straight lines connecting various points of reason.  When I’m feeling like this, it’s like a whole bunch of stormy swirls going close enough to the points of reason that I can see them, but never touching them.

Third, Brent needs therapy and I really hope my benefits cover him.  It’s not just the depression.  He has a cycle that goes:

– I’m on top of the world!
-I’m stressed about something minor
-I’m blowing things way out of proportion and worrying about things that may or may not happen to the point where I can’t sleep and it consumes me
-I’m worthless, nobody likes me
-depression, self-destruction

I think he sees this as a bunch of separate things but from the outside it’s kind of obvious they are a big whole.  I’m not a professional so I can’t really diagnose this but it doesn’t seem like straight up panic or depression.  I think he would really benefit from just talking to a therapist about what’s going on and getting coping strategies that allow him to maintain a normal life. Being worried is one thing, being worried to the point where it’s all-consuming is another.  I think the longer he doesn’t seek help, the harder it will be to learn to deal with these things in a positive way.


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