What a shitty anniversaryPosted: February 4, 2008
It seems like it went from “I’ll do whatever you need me to to make this right” to “I’ll do whatever I feel is necessary to make this right”
Yes they are similar, but not quite the same. I think I’ll wait this one out for a bit.
And, just to get it out of my inbox, this is what I wrote about it the Monday after I found out. (I found out on Friday, January 4th – One month ago today…)
My husband suffers from depression and it’s been fairly serious since about late November. At the same time I was feeling at my worst pregnancy-wise and so was going to bed really early and when I was up was not much of a treat to be around. We both needed each other but were unable to really be there for each other.
So anyways before one of his gigs in early December, which I couldn’t go to because I was feeling sick, his band went to the house of the bass player’s friend, who happened to be a girl that has had a crush on him for some time. They start to hang out at his shows and after his hockey games and such and email and msn or whatever.
So basically they had a month long relationship, which turned sexual. I slowly found this out over the course of the past two weeks. First that he had been hanging with some girl I didn’t know about and not telling me (not cool, I don’t care who he’s friends with but keeping things secret is not cool) then that he had feelings for her then on Friday that it had indeed turned sexual. ( I found out Friday, IT happened in Mid December)
So anyways I’m not saying that it’s ok or that I understand but we’ve decided to move on because well, this is out of his character, he’s doesn’t want to be ‘that kind of guy’ and our relationship is strong enough to withstand this. I just find it hard to find people who have been cheated on but decided to make it work.
Every time I see it come up it’s always “once a cheat always a cheat” or “no matter what you think you’ll never be able to trust again” and that kind of stuff which I think is a load of total bull. We have good communication and a very solid foundation and I know this was highly situational.
So he’s going to therapy for his depression. I’m trying to figure out what I need to be able to move on. So far things are going well but it’s only been 3 days. I have no past experience in this kind of scenario so I have no clue how the progression of healing this kind of thing should go.
A day later:
In no way does my lack of energy give any validity to what he did. It doesn’t make it understandable or less wrong. I was trying to paint a picture of the situation; showing where both of our head spaces were at the time and how I was just too disinterested in what was going on around me to notice.
Looking at it from a few days’ away, the physical relationship is not the most hurtful part (although it is VERY hurtful and it grosses me out)but the lying. The lying is how I knew something was up because that was a new behaviour. If he had come to me and said that he was interested in another woman and needed time to sort things out, that would not have been easy but I wouldn’t have felt betrayed. If he had told me before I confronted him, it still would have hurt but at least I could trust him more easily. But it took 3 confrontations before I got the whole truth and before I could be sure it was 100% over between them and that is what I find the most shocking. That is not the person I know. That is not the person he knows as himself, it’s obvious he was nearly as shocked by his own self as I was/am.
But I look at the length of our relationship and that’s about 4 years and I look at the length of the ‘bad times’ and that about one month. So knowing everything I now know, the person I was with 99% of that time did not just vanish, he’s still there, we both know it so it’s worth fixing.