feelings on pregnancy 0-15 weeks

So far when I think of this pregnancy, I almost only think of suffering.

First I think of how awful I felt for about a month and a half.  How being awake was the hardest thing to do.  How I felt absolutely sick constantly and couldn’t do anything. Showering was impossible.  I would sit in the tub for most of it because I couldn’t stand that long.

Then I think of how there was a change in Brent.  He talked about being so lonely because I would go to bed so early and he had spent the whole day alone.  I felt guilty about that but at the same time, I couldn’t do anything about it.  It’s not like he tried to spend time with me in my waking hours anyway.  I just couldn’t do anything except use the bathroom, sleep, eat small amounts of whatever was handy and shuffle my self off to wherever my body needed to be but I didn’t really feel ‘present’ during any of it. I think of how it seemed like having a baby with me was the last thing he ever wanted when I had always been led to believe it was his number one wish.  That in itself was heartbreaking.  I really relied on him to be sure about this since I was so unsure.

Third I think of what Brent was actually up to during that time and how hurtful it is not only that it happened at all, but that it happened when I needed him most and he couldn’t be there for me because of another woman and his selfish desires.  It’s one thing to cheat on your girlfriend.  It’s another thing to cheat on your wife who feels so awful that she can’t stay out of bed, to use her trust and her condition against her. I think of all the torment and trying to decide as fast as possible if we should stay together or not because I  can’t and won’t be a single parent and the clock was ticking on my options.

I have just over 5 months left to go and I want to look back on this pregnancy with fond memories.  It’s not that I’m not glad to be pregnant, but all these other horrors are attached to the thought of it right now.

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