On trust

I have no reason to believe that he would ever have told me.  If it ended at all, he likely would have just kept it to himself.  I have lots of reason for thinking this way, and here they are:

  • I only know what I found out on my own
  • at any given time, he only confessed to what I could prove, or what would reasonably explain away what I had found
  • after my first confrontation with him about this, he swore high and low that nothing but talking was going on, which I now know is completely untrue.
  • He often would bring up conversations about how if he even had any feelings for another girl, he would respect me enough to tell me and possibly break things off with me instead of cheating on me, which is untrue and which he said AFTER he cheated on me
  • I don’t see how you can have enough feelings for someone to jeopardize your marriage and then just say “ok I”m done” and have no contact.  It makes no sense and the fact that he’s looking her up on Facebook  tends to make me leery of this “no contact” situation.
  • We had a talk about “white lies to spare people’s feelings” and he was pro doing it.
  • All of his “I don’t remember” answers are pretty convenient and I feel like they serve to hide things.

I might add more to this list later.  And now he’s going out drinking after hockey with a guy who I’m sure he used as a cover for seeing her before.  That makes me nervous.

It would be so much easier to deal with the trust if I didn’t have to pry every little scrap of information from him, then I could feel like he was willing to tell me the truth without me having to figure it out for myself first.

He also can’t/won’t explain why it happened at all.  The problem I see with this is that if a cause can not be determined, what’s to stop it from happening again?  He seemed to never think he could be this type of person in the first place, and that still didn’t stop him.  Never once did I ever consider this a possibility for us purely because he was so open about how wrong he thinks it is.  Before this I would have said that I had absolute faith that even if there was no way he would get caught, Brent would never do this to anyone.  Not someone he was casually dating and didn’t even love.  Now I just don’t know what to believe any more.  Is being faithful completely impossible?

On another note, when he came home last night and said “I think I broke my foot” I thought to myself “That’s Karma, you get what you give”

What did I give?

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