I find today’s icon rather ironic.

What has our marriage become?  What is a marriage if there is no fidelity, trust and honesty? Really?  What is there left???

I’m so disappointed not only that this happened but at how SOON into our marriage this happened and at the point of me being pregnant only serves to make it worse.  I thought everything was going fine.  I was going through a rough patch physically but I didn’t think it would lead to THIS.  Brent was going through some depression.  We had talked about him getting help previously and he said he didn’t want it.  I thought he was fine, he told me he was fine, and then THIS which he can only explain by way of his depression.

In the first days following my discovery of the affair, he tried really hard to make me feel comfortable, loved and secure.  In the past two days that has stopped.  Now it’s all about me giving him a blow job while I talk dirty to him.  It’s like he’s totally forgotten and moved on.  He says it didn’t take him long to move on when Audrey cheated on him.  It is not the same AT ALL:

  • they weren’t married
  • they weren’t living together
  • she wasn’t lying to his face telling him she was other places when with another guy
  • she confessed to him
  • she had a ‘good excuse’
  • he wasn’t pregnant with her child
  • he didn’t have to try living with her every day afterwards
  • he didn’t discover ‘secret communications’ between the two of them
  • he didn’t have a constant reminder of it sitting in his home
  • she wasn’t sleeping with the two of them at the same time

I feel like he just wants to ignore it and pretend it never happened but I can not do that. Never in my life have I felt such sorrow. NEVER.  Brent’s the only person I have EVER IN MY LIFE put my full trust into.

And now here I am sitting at my desk before everyone else gets here, crying alone because I have no one to turn to.  No one except for the LJ.  I can’t cry about it at home without feeling like I’m giving Brent a guilt trip.  I can’t cry about it to friends because I don’t want them to hate him and I’m horribly embarrassed even though I did nothing wrong. I definitely can’t cry about it to family.  Mine doesn’t know how to be caring and his would never let it go.

The day I found out, the only person I felt I could turn to , strangely enough, was my father in law.  I felt like he would be there for me, and not tell anyone.  But I can’t be sure and I don’t want to betray Brent like that.

People will be here any minute now so I have to stop crying and put on my ‘happy’ face.

Good god.

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