Just to get it out.Posted: January 10, 2008
I don’t know how to deal. I can’t get through a whole day without crying. I can’t get through a whole hour without thinking about it.
- what days did they see each other?
- what was I doing at the time?
- what did I THINK he was doing at the time?
- what specific things did they do together?
- what feelings did they express towards one another?
- did they ever discuss me?
- what were they like together when out in public?
- how many phone calls did I just not know about?
- was that really Laurie on the phone that time I came down in the middle of the night?
- the friday that I found out the whole truth, he was sending me naughty things on messenger, was this at the same time he was sending her naughty things on messenger?
- what did he say to himself that made it ok?
- did he say the same kind of things to both of us?
- did he touch us in the same ways?
- if I didn’t find anything out on my own, would he ever have told me? would it still be going on? how long would it have lasted?
I admit that it hurts a bit less today. At first I could literally feel it in my chest. It felt like a twisting and a squeezing and a sudden void. Now I just feel sullen and numb most of the time. Like I’m always slightly out of breath. I feel like just to get though, I have to pretend everything is ok. I’m sure I’m not very convincing, especially when he’s touching me.
I’m scared that if I don’t get over it fast, he’ll give up and leave. So I’m trying the best that I can and hopefully that’s good enough.