Just to get it out.

I don’t know how to deal.  I can’t get through a whole day without crying. I can’t get through a whole hour without thinking about it.

Wondering:

  • what days did they see each other?
  • what was I doing at the time?
  • what did I THINK he was doing at the time?
  • what specific things did they do together?
  • what feelings did they express towards one another?
  • did they ever discuss me?
  • what were they like together when out in public?
  • how many phone calls did I just not know about?
  • was that really Laurie on the phone that time I came down in the middle of the night?
  • the friday that I found out the whole truth, he was sending me naughty things on messenger, was this at the same time he was sending her naughty things on messenger?
  • what did he say to himself that made it ok?
  • did he say the same kind of things to both of us?
  • did he touch us in the same ways?
  • if I didn’t find anything out on my own, would he ever have told me? would it still be going on? how long would it have lasted?

I admit that it hurts a bit less today.  At first I could literally feel it in my chest.  It felt like a twisting and a squeezing and a sudden void.  Now I just feel sullen and numb most of the time. Like I’m always slightly out of breath.  I feel like just to get though, I have to pretend everything is ok. I’m sure I’m not very convincing, especially when he’s touching me.

I’m scared that if I don’t get over it fast, he’ll give up and leave.  So I’m trying the best that I can and hopefully that’s good enough.

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