serious post

I think Brent is falling into a depressive stage and I don’t know how to help him through it.  He’s having trouble sleeping and I often find him on the sofa when I get up in the morning.  He says he feels unmotivated and sad but we haven’t really had a chance to really talk about it yet because he only really brought it to me this morning.

So what do I do?  All that comes to mind is to be super nice, spend more time with him and possibly make him a picnic.  I haven’t gone through anything like this since I was a teenager so I feel to far removed to know how to help.  Any tips would be really appreciated.

DON’T SAY “HAVE A BABY”!

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48 Comments on “serious post”

  1. rachaeldoss says:

    You are a sweet wife.
    I wish I had some grand solution for you, but I go through similar sounding bouts with depression and nothing helps. However, what you’ve proposed also doesn’t HURT, so I think that sounds perfect. I especially like the idea of having a picnic. When you talk to him about it, try not to be too speculative if he isn’t forthcoming with a “why” he feels sad, because I know for ME it is just extra frustrating because there really is no “why.”
    With any luck, it’s just temporary and connected with the seasonal change and he could be back to his old, well-sleeping self in no time. And he’ll be glad to know he’s got a great partner to go through times like this with.

  2. rachaeldoss says:

    You are a sweet wife.
    I wish I had some grand solution for you, but I go through similar sounding bouts with depression and nothing helps. However, what you’ve proposed also doesn’t HURT, so I think that sounds perfect. I especially like the idea of having a picnic. When you talk to him about it, try not to be too speculative if he isn’t forthcoming with a “why” he feels sad, because I know for ME it is just extra frustrating because there really is no “why.”
    With any luck, it’s just temporary and connected with the seasonal change and he could be back to his old, well-sleeping self in no time. And he’ll be glad to know he’s got a great partner to go through times like this with.

  3. no, having a baby defenitely is not the answr to anything. hahaha.
    being someone who gets depressed a lot and having dating people who got depressed a lot i can tell you that pouring on the sugar is not necessarily the answer. what is most important is to have him talk about it and let it alllllll out (even if it is nothing and if he just needs to talk circles) without the feeling that his feelings might be silly etc. i’m sure he will get past it but while he is in it it is important that he feels that he can communicate openly (even if he doesn’t feel like talking at first). it is tough to see a loved one go through it..i always felt guilty when i was depressed in a relationship to make the other person go through it as well.
    i’m sure he will get through it, it might be something simple like change in weather or maybe since the wedding ended he feels that he has nothing to strive for. whatever it is he is lucky as he has someone who loves him unconditionally. good luck. xo

  4. no, having a baby defenitely is not the answr to anything. hahaha.
    being someone who gets depressed a lot and having dating people who got depressed a lot i can tell you that pouring on the sugar is not necessarily the answer. what is most important is to have him talk about it and let it alllllll out (even if it is nothing and if he just needs to talk circles) without the feeling that his feelings might be silly etc. i’m sure he will get past it but while he is in it it is important that he feels that he can communicate openly (even if he doesn’t feel like talking at first). it is tough to see a loved one go through it..i always felt guilty when i was depressed in a relationship to make the other person go through it as well.
    i’m sure he will get through it, it might be something simple like change in weather or maybe since the wedding ended he feels that he has nothing to strive for. whatever it is he is lucky as he has someone who loves him unconditionally. good luck. xo

  5. damedini says:

    Get him outside. As soon as there’s enough, make a big thermos of hot chocolate secretly. Then get him outside and pummel him with snowballs. Realize that you will also suffer. Have a childish, frenzied snowball fight with face washing and all sorts of idiocy. Then come inside to hot chocolate and cuddling.
    A Charlie Brown Christmas and other childhood classics won’t hurt.

  6. damedini says:

    Get him outside. As soon as there’s enough, make a big thermos of hot chocolate secretly. Then get him outside and pummel him with snowballs. Realize that you will also suffer. Have a childish, frenzied snowball fight with face washing and all sorts of idiocy. Then come inside to hot chocolate and cuddling.
    A Charlie Brown Christmas and other childhood classics won’t hurt.

  7. You are really sweet to be so perceptive of your hubby’s mood. The extra sweet attention won’t hurt him a bit! I’ve dealt with small bouts of seasonal depression since I was 16. I’ve never actually gotten on medication for it… although I’ve had Doctors suggest it.
    I’ve found that the following activities TRULY help… Maybe you could sneak in a few for him!
    *Any time spent outdoors while it’s sunny is AMAZING for the soul during winter months. I know I know… Work all day and then it is dark at night… This is a hard one to fit in during the week.. Maybe he could take a brief walk on his lunch hour during sunny days that aren’t too brutally cold.
    *Exercise. As much as I hate it… it really does improve my state of mind. Get his heart rate pumping! I *know* you know how to do this…
    *Offer to talk to him about it, but by all means don’t dwell on the subject if you get the vibe that he doesn’t want to Talk.
    I personally, am not a ‘Holiday’ person and December is my least favorite month of the year. It took Richard SIX long years to finally catch on and quit asking me “What’s Wrong?!” when I’m hosting a pity party for myself.
    Your picnic is an adorable idea!! Maybe you could incorporate foods that don’t scream ‘winter comfort food’ or ‘holiday food’. Maybe you could make hamburgers and ice cream sundaes! Very unexpected!!
    You’re in my thoughts Sweet Girl.
    Hope he feels better.

  8. You are really sweet to be so perceptive of your hubby’s mood. The extra sweet attention won’t hurt him a bit! I’ve dealt with small bouts of seasonal depression since I was 16. I’ve never actually gotten on medication for it… although I’ve had Doctors suggest it.
    I’ve found that the following activities TRULY help… Maybe you could sneak in a few for him!
    *Any time spent outdoors while it’s sunny is AMAZING for the soul during winter months. I know I know… Work all day and then it is dark at night… This is a hard one to fit in during the week.. Maybe he could take a brief walk on his lunch hour during sunny days that aren’t too brutally cold.
    *Exercise. As much as I hate it… it really does improve my state of mind. Get his heart rate pumping! I *know* you know how to do this…
    *Offer to talk to him about it, but by all means don’t dwell on the subject if you get the vibe that he doesn’t want to Talk.
    I personally, am not a ‘Holiday’ person and December is my least favorite month of the year. It took Richard SIX long years to finally catch on and quit asking me “What’s Wrong?!” when I’m hosting a pity party for myself.
    Your picnic is an adorable idea!! Maybe you could incorporate foods that don’t scream ‘winter comfort food’ or ‘holiday food’. Maybe you could make hamburgers and ice cream sundaes! Very unexpected!!
    You’re in my thoughts Sweet Girl.
    Hope he feels better.

  9. redaryl says:

    Is there a reason he’s depressed? If there isn’t (or it’s seasonal), I agree with some of the other commenters that asking “why?” or trying to fix it will not help. Being there if he needs you will help but you have to let him come to you (if he feels like talking). At least that’s been my experience. Usually when women are depressed they want to talk, I don’t think most men work that way. Of course, you probably know which way he handles things like that. 🙂 Sometimes there is not definite cause, but you would be the best judge if that’s true in this case or not.
    I also agree that getting outside will help too. If it’s seasonal getting some sunlight will help improve his mood. I’ve also read that omega 3 fats help improve mood, but not sure if that’s true.
    If he doesn’t feel like talking, just letting him know that you’re there and that you care about him will help a lot.

    • tianadargent says:

      Well I don’t know what the reson is (neither does he). Basically he emailed me and explained that when he’s busy (with work or home projects) he’s fine but as soon as he tries to relax his mind wanders to sadness, then he goes from that to thinking he’s sick, then he tries to self-diagnose (he is a bit of a hypochondriac) and then he feels sad that he’s putting himself through the stress of thinking he has strange diseases and he feels bad for coming to me all the time thinking he has strange diseases and he goes back to being sad.

      • redaryl says:

        Yeah it becomes a catch 22 a lot of times. When I went through a depression I frustrated my friends because I couldn’t talk about what was wrong (because I didn’t know).
        Has this happened to him previously during the winter months? If so, it might be seasonal and getting some sunlight and making adjustments to his diet might help.
        You seem like a very supportive person though and that does make a huge difference when someone goes through something like this. I had a friend (one of the frustrated ones) who just came over one night with an emotional movie and some ice cream. Just having her there made me feel better.

        • tianadargent says:

          I didn’t notice this last winter but we just moved from downtown to suburb so he used to be able to walk out and converse with the super or store clerks we knew. There is no one else in the suburbs during the day.
          I think he’s lonely.

          • redaryl says:

            Aww yeah, that’s probably it. Is he a really social person?
            Maybe if he had a “lunch date” with you once a week that might make him feel better? Not sure if that’s feasible but it might give him something to look forward to.
            I know you’ve said he works from home. Is it something he can do on a laptop from a coffee shop or something occasionally? Just an idea.
            I hope he feels better soon.

          • redaryl says:

            Aww yeah, that’s probably it. Is he a really social person?
            Maybe if he had a “lunch date” with you once a week that might make him feel better? Not sure if that’s feasible but it might give him something to look forward to.
            I know you’ve said he works from home. Is it something he can do on a laptop from a coffee shop or something occasionally? Just an idea.
            I hope he feels better soon.

        • tianadargent says:

          I didn’t notice this last winter but we just moved from downtown to suburb so he used to be able to walk out and converse with the super or store clerks we knew. There is no one else in the suburbs during the day.
          I think he’s lonely.

      • redaryl says:

        Yeah it becomes a catch 22 a lot of times. When I went through a depression I frustrated my friends because I couldn’t talk about what was wrong (because I didn’t know).
        Has this happened to him previously during the winter months? If so, it might be seasonal and getting some sunlight and making adjustments to his diet might help.
        You seem like a very supportive person though and that does make a huge difference when someone goes through something like this. I had a friend (one of the frustrated ones) who just came over one night with an emotional movie and some ice cream. Just having her there made me feel better.

    • tianadargent says:

      Well I don’t know what the reson is (neither does he). Basically he emailed me and explained that when he’s busy (with work or home projects) he’s fine but as soon as he tries to relax his mind wanders to sadness, then he goes from that to thinking he’s sick, then he tries to self-diagnose (he is a bit of a hypochondriac) and then he feels sad that he’s putting himself through the stress of thinking he has strange diseases and he feels bad for coming to me all the time thinking he has strange diseases and he goes back to being sad.

  10. redaryl says:

    Is there a reason he’s depressed? If there isn’t (or it’s seasonal), I agree with some of the other commenters that asking “why?” or trying to fix it will not help. Being there if he needs you will help but you have to let him come to you (if he feels like talking). At least that’s been my experience. Usually when women are depressed they want to talk, I don’t think most men work that way. Of course, you probably know which way he handles things like that. 🙂 Sometimes there is not definite cause, but you would be the best judge if that’s true in this case or not.
    I also agree that getting outside will help too. If it’s seasonal getting some sunlight will help improve his mood. I’ve also read that omega 3 fats help improve mood, but not sure if that’s true.
    If he doesn’t feel like talking, just letting him know that you’re there and that you care about him will help a lot.

  11. shesaid says:

    There is a lot of good advice here. I think the main thing is to remain positive and supportive, and to let him talk it out and deal with it. Be careful not to act too frustrated with him about it or make him feel wrong or guilty for feeling how he does.

  12. shesaid says:

    There is a lot of good advice here. I think the main thing is to remain positive and supportive, and to let him talk it out and deal with it. Be careful not to act too frustrated with him about it or make him feel wrong or guilty for feeling how he does.

  13. metahara says:

    I think a supportive mate like you helps. Nutrition and exercise can make a difference. Omega 3’s ( fish. olive oil &/ or supplements ) B vitamins, especially B12 and B6…an adecuate amount of Iron…Bee Pollen &/or Royal jelly is amazingly beneficial -gives good energy.
    encourage him to take a walk with you and maybe take Yoga….Many, many of my yoga students tell me Yoga has been instrumental in preventing and pulling thru bouts of depression…as a matter if fact, most of my beginner students make it to yoga when they are feeling their worst.
    good luck

    • metahara says:

      oh and remember the natural anti-depressant-
      magic 3:
      garlic, B vitamins and endorphins.

      • sassinate says:

        It totally agree with the vitamin B super stress complex (the company Quest makes an excellent stress complex). It really, really improves your mood. If that doesn’t help, there is another natural product called SamE which works well, but its $$$ and not necessary if the B complex helps.
        The B complex also makes your pee bright yellow which is good for comic relief.

      • sassinate says:

        It totally agree with the vitamin B super stress complex (the company Quest makes an excellent stress complex). It really, really improves your mood. If that doesn’t help, there is another natural product called SamE which works well, but its $$$ and not necessary if the B complex helps.
        The B complex also makes your pee bright yellow which is good for comic relief.

    • metahara says:

      oh and remember the natural anti-depressant-
      magic 3:
      garlic, B vitamins and endorphins.

  14. metahara says:

    I think a supportive mate like you helps. Nutrition and exercise can make a difference. Omega 3’s ( fish. olive oil &/ or supplements ) B vitamins, especially B12 and B6…an adecuate amount of Iron…Bee Pollen &/or Royal jelly is amazingly beneficial -gives good energy.
    encourage him to take a walk with you and maybe take Yoga….Many, many of my yoga students tell me Yoga has been instrumental in preventing and pulling thru bouts of depression…as a matter if fact, most of my beginner students make it to yoga when they are feeling their worst.
    good luck

  15. utsi says:

    in a mild depression- important to maintain routine (going to work, shower, doing housework, and whatever else is done on a daily basis). not sleeping past usual wake up, not staying up past usual bed time. couple of things right off the top of my head.

  16. utsi says:

    in a mild depression- important to maintain routine (going to work, shower, doing housework, and whatever else is done on a daily basis). not sleeping past usual wake up, not staying up past usual bed time. couple of things right off the top of my head.

  17. trinity3x says:

    Oh T, this is so hard from both sides: the depressed and the partner. I’ve been on both sides. Lauran’s advice is exactly what I was going to suggest. Also, make sure he’s getting enough sleep.

  18. trinity3x says:

    Oh T, this is so hard from both sides: the depressed and the partner. I’ve been on both sides. Lauran’s advice is exactly what I was going to suggest. Also, make sure he’s getting enough sleep.

  19. clivec says:

    Can I say, “Do not have a baby”? Having a baby when one of the two folk involved is depressed would be a terrible idea.
    I guess the first question is… is this an ongoing thing? If it is he almost certianly needs some kind of treatment. I can say this, if he can tell you why he’s depressed (after you’ve asked a few different times) he may not be clinical. If he can’t, he may be.
    Also, is he having insomnia becasue he’s depressed or is he depressed becasue he has insomnia? I don’t get depression, but I feel like crud when I don’t get enough sleep. There are several options to try if the sleeping is behind it.
    Depression is awful. I hope he feels better and it’s just a passing thing.
    P.S. Try not to be offended if he pushes you away when you’re trying to be super nice. Depressed people really do appreciate you caring, but can’t always show it when they are in that state.

  20. clivec says:

    Can I say, “Do not have a baby”? Having a baby when one of the two folk involved is depressed would be a terrible idea.
    I guess the first question is… is this an ongoing thing? If it is he almost certianly needs some kind of treatment. I can say this, if he can tell you why he’s depressed (after you’ve asked a few different times) he may not be clinical. If he can’t, he may be.
    Also, is he having insomnia becasue he’s depressed or is he depressed becasue he has insomnia? I don’t get depression, but I feel like crud when I don’t get enough sleep. There are several options to try if the sleeping is behind it.
    Depression is awful. I hope he feels better and it’s just a passing thing.
    P.S. Try not to be offended if he pushes you away when you’re trying to be super nice. Depressed people really do appreciate you caring, but can’t always show it when they are in that state.

  21. lumpy_lia says:

    It could also be a bit of depression now that the wedding is over. I went through a couple o’ weeks of “what now?” when I got back to Ottawa.. that and total exhaustion.
    You two went through some pretty big changes/planning with the house and the wedding – so perhaps now that those two things are settling down he’s feeling a little directionless?
    In regards to him worrying about having an illness etc – it sounds like he does have a bit of anxiety – although it would be best if that was determined by a doc.
    Having issues with general anxiety myself – the most helpful thing for me is to have goals, direction and generally hit the gym. Any form of working out makes me feel so much better – if for no other reason that I go home feeling like I’ve accomplished something (while going to the gym isn’t that meaningful on a global scale, it’s damm hard to drag my butt there everyday).
    Anyway.
    Basically – keep doing what you’re doing. Pay attention, talk to him about it, always be solution oriented, and just offer support.

  22. lumpy_lia says:

    It could also be a bit of depression now that the wedding is over. I went through a couple o’ weeks of “what now?” when I got back to Ottawa.. that and total exhaustion.
    You two went through some pretty big changes/planning with the house and the wedding – so perhaps now that those two things are settling down he’s feeling a little directionless?
    In regards to him worrying about having an illness etc – it sounds like he does have a bit of anxiety – although it would be best if that was determined by a doc.
    Having issues with general anxiety myself – the most helpful thing for me is to have goals, direction and generally hit the gym. Any form of working out makes me feel so much better – if for no other reason that I go home feeling like I’ve accomplished something (while going to the gym isn’t that meaningful on a global scale, it’s damm hard to drag my butt there everyday).
    Anyway.
    Basically – keep doing what you’re doing. Pay attention, talk to him about it, always be solution oriented, and just offer support.

  23. photogfrog says:

    My darling hubby is clinically depressed, has been on and off meds for YEARS.
    When he is off, he is more alert, more *fun*, more easily annoyed. When he is on, it’s like there is a force field around him that nothing bothers him because the drugs make him think everything is hunky-dory.
    When he is off and the world gets too much for him or something go wrong, he retreats. He sleeps more than usual, he doesn’t want to eat, he doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t want to do ANYTHING.
    Now, sadly, I am not there 24/7 as a good wife should be. I am however, a phone call/SMS away.
    We’ve talked about WHY he feels this way. We’ve talked about HOW to help him. Thing is…NO ONE can really help him except him. I listen to what he has to say. I try to help take his mind off things or I try to focus on other non-bothersome things.
    The best thing you can do now is to be there and ready for him when he needs you, let him know that you don’t want to fix him but help him if he asks for it. Don’t have a baby. Don’t expect him to *snap out of it* over night.
    Just be the usual loving wife that you are.

  24. photogfrog says:

    My darling hubby is clinically depressed, has been on and off meds for YEARS.
    When he is off, he is more alert, more *fun*, more easily annoyed. When he is on, it’s like there is a force field around him that nothing bothers him because the drugs make him think everything is hunky-dory.
    When he is off and the world gets too much for him or something go wrong, he retreats. He sleeps more than usual, he doesn’t want to eat, he doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t want to do ANYTHING.
    Now, sadly, I am not there 24/7 as a good wife should be. I am however, a phone call/SMS away.
    We’ve talked about WHY he feels this way. We’ve talked about HOW to help him. Thing is…NO ONE can really help him except him. I listen to what he has to say. I try to help take his mind off things or I try to focus on other non-bothersome things.
    The best thing you can do now is to be there and ready for him when he needs you, let him know that you don’t want to fix him but help him if he asks for it. Don’t have a baby. Don’t expect him to *snap out of it* over night.
    Just be the usual loving wife that you are.


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