On Friday, I went to a fun dance party that I had never been to before. About halfway into the night, I noticed that this person I have no good feelings for was present and I was pretty upset. Mostly because it was the first time we’d run into each other since then and I just didn’t have some kind of pre-planned emotional reaction. In that moment, the few people I knew were elsewhere and I was just dancing on my own and basically my whole body turned to *GROAN*.
And I had had some drinks and I was just… unhappy. And I found my date and gave him a brief go-over. He was sweet and asked if I wanted to leave but I said I was fine and I had another drink and just kept a buffer.
But, as the night wore on and I found myself being preoccupied with NOT having fun I started to think more about it like this: Fuck that dude. If either of us is going to feel uncomfortable in a place we are both occupying, it sure as fuck is not going to be ME.
And I totally appreciate the support of maybe I’d want to leave, but that’s just not how I roll. I want to live in a culture where people who violate consent are the ones who feel awful and awkward and marginalized.
On this day:
I stopped bringing people through my thought processes and emotional journeys with me. I own those, and it’s on me to work through without imposing that on someone.
I also feel an immense sense of loss at the great love that comes with being so utterly vulnerable.
But this isn’t even entirely true. I haven’t really stopped. I stopped sharing so incredibly deeply with Shawn and have started branching out and trying to be more vulnerable, in general, and with a greater number of people I trust. I do feel that great loss, as above, but I’m also gaining deeper connections with a wider variety of people.
And though I mourn experiencing that debilitating level of emotion, I have to admit that it WAS debilitating. It held me so unbelievably close that it was easy to stop being on top of my other, more tangible, things. It was important because it taught me how to be deeply open and I now get to practice those skills with other people, to varying degrees, which brings me many joys.
On this day:
I am gingerly unwrapped, with patience and care.
My bow is untied and placed gently aside.
The tape is lifted without any tearing.
My paper is removed then firmly folded down.
Everything that was found within is gathered up and celebrated.
On this day:
In 2014 – A reminder of where I can be more efficient
In 2011 – New Sibling Anxiety
In 2007 – I want to know what makes you fart
In 2006 – My adoration of Livejournal
In 2005 – Sometimes I feel like a spectator to my own life
- All your photos are group photos
- You are wearing any amount of camouflage print
- Your profile photo features a car
- You are wearing sports attire when not doing sports
- You use the phrase “like-minded” without explaining in which ways (I’ll assume it’s horrible)
- All your photos are you doing sports
- Your first photo is of your kid(s)
- Your first photo is of your pet(s)
- You are using a gun
- No photo at all
- All your photos are from on vacation
- You state that you are a nice person – hint, if you have to say it, you probably aren’t.
- You are posing with a famous or hot person for your own vanity
- You are using a photo from within the gym
On this day:
In 2009 – ANDREA COME BAAAAACK!
I write here on this blog.
I write a different version of the same things on Ello (all truths, but focusing on different aspects).
I feed things from both sources to my Livejournal, and Facebook, and Twitter.
I get different rewards from each space and I like that what I share gets varied feedback, depending on the context. That’s not even considering how all these things influence conversations, online and in-person, with the people in my life.
I’m spending a lot of time thinking about the ways that I’m letting go. There are things that I don’t need to worry about. There are things I can focus on that are productive and keep me going and enrich my life.
Everything I’m writing and pondering lately is just a trial, trying out new ideas and new ways to perceive. Nothing feels concrete and that’s a good place for me to be right now. All my things are in motion, they always have been, the stress of trying to keep things static is leaving me.
I’m spreading my roots out far and wide, making lots of little connections that support me and finding joy within them all.
This is a post about how I write about nothing. All I am writing lately are wisps of what passes through my mind before dissolving into the air.
On this day:
In 2010 – I did not go snow-shoeing until 4 years later
In 2008 – I hate televised sports and related media. Also betrayal.
In 2007 – A bunch of great recipes. MIAM MIAM Why don’t I cook anymore???
In 2006 - Pus is why I don’t drink dairy (except in coffee, it magically kills pus)
I eat the entire bag of cherry blasters. I gorge on new experience. I burn through hobbies. I get all wrapped up in loves and lusts.
I’m trying to slow myself down. Also life has just slowed me down.
- Shawn has a bunch of new stuff going on which means we are being more autonomous than we have been previously.
- I’m a winter hibernator – generally.
- This thing I have going on with the new person I’ve mentioned many times already is going at a leisurely and pleasant pace.
- I’ve started doing hot yoga which has me just focusing on the moment more often.
- I’m taking my time in getting my stuff done. I’m making sure I don’t burn out, while also making sure I don’t let truly important things drop.
I spent many years feeling absolute panic about being on time for everything, having all my stuff done on time or ahead of time and knowing how every second would be best spent. It was emotionally exhausting and the enjoyment from being ‘on top of my game’ was overshadowed by my near constant anxiety.
I feel like I’ve let go of a lot of stuff on the administrative side of my life and BLEH that’s not working for me. That’s the stuff that makes me feel awesome when it’s accomplished. I’m re-calibrating. I’m taking the stress out of other areas to manage my energy more effectively for my desired results.
What am I even talking about right now?
I guess I’m just enjoying the moments and the processes (and I still eat the entire bag of candy at once).
On this day:
I’ve stopped using my paper journal to manage my energy and help me navigate my need for alone time and figure my shit out and today I’m a fucking emotional nightmare. I stopped a couple months ago, really, and I thought I was doing well but shit, January has thrown a lot of stuff at me and I have not been keeping up with myself.
Things I’m working through:
- How to continue to participate in things that bring me joy, when they are things my loved-ones don’t like, without feeling really self-conscious about it.
- How to not be in the middle of uncomfortable situations between people who are not me.
- Dealing with the fact that I used to have a certain aspect of my shit together WAY MORE than I currently do and trying to find the energy to get back to where I want to be.
- And then dealing with all the new Life Stuff (living situation, work situation, new business situation, tax-season blah blah blah) that I need to figure out.
- And practicing being there for others in ways that are not natural for me but is what they need and I want to do this for them.
- How to share my love with others without making it all about me (which I think I have come a long way on and in some cases it’s about being seen with fresh eyes).
On this day:
In 2008 – I still remember how to ask to find a bank machine!