Short Film Idea

Cast:

female action-figure doll, arms raised slightly above head
a big blob of putty

Outline

The putty is bouncing all around the doll extolling it’s virtues:
-shiny
-exciting
-passionate
-resilient
-motivated
-collaborative

The doll is super stoked that this putty wants to join up with her. She catches the putty in her arms and they begin to go places together.

But then *doom sounds* the putty starts to reveal the other part of it’s nature. It’s softens and begins it’s process of melting down.

The doll is optimistic. She can support the putty for a short while, until it gathers itself again. But the putty opts not to exert any effort to improve this combined situation and eventually oozes everywhere all over the doll and all over everything and her whole world is immobilized by the gloop.


Patterns

I recently received a distance tarot reading from Clementine. The reading was about the patterns I’m working within and about how to see what serves me and what does not. Many questions were brought up in the reading. Below are the questions that stirred me, and my stream-of-consciousness answers to them.

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What hard work have I been doing lately?

-establishing healthy boundaries with my mom and people who also represent that dynamic 

-being engaged at my job

-moving through my triggers with the kids and trying to create the healthiest dynamics I can – this reminds me that I’m always doing the best I can. That my level is what it is.

-trying to live my ethics through Moonshadow. Monetizing it doesn’t feel right, when I go beyond my comfort zone, I can feel it in my chest. Can it be self-sustaining? What would that look like?

What are my next moves?

-start making products to test out a subscription box

-stop dicking around with people I’m not sure of

-keep working at maintaining and establishing appropriate boundaries

-open myself up to love more

-go out to places to meet new people

-find ways to engage in decolonization in-person with others

What are all the ways I’ve changed my life for the better?

-deciding to be more honest (with and to myself, as well as with others – radical vulnerability)

-getting back into a routine of cleanliness and orderliness

-moving out of toxic relationships

-moving toward self-love

-better understanding love

To what am I giving my energy?

-sometimes to the thought that no one will ever truly love me

-sometimes into appeasing children instead of being something strong from which they can spring forth

-avoiding really starting in with Moonshadow, telling myself things will unfold and come naturally and worrying that I’m not putting enough work into the hard parts

What are my addictions/compulsions/acts that don’t serve me?

-weed sometimes my use is healthy and other times it is not, establishing a TOD curfew on it has been helpful

-checking out through social media and tv, again a curfew helps

-checking in with others for validation instead of with myself, this seems nearly constant, even when I know I’m doing things the way I want, I always feel like I need to check in with others before acting or immediately after

{edited to add: I was listening to the latest Chai Chats Podcast this morning and they said that a sign of abuse is to rely on someone else’s judgement before your own and that puts this into context for me. I’m not currently in an abusive situation but I’m still living that pattern. This understanding helps me to establish a direction forward.

-avoiding the hard work but I’m not yet clear on how to differentiate between worthwhile hard work and fruitless effort.

What needs are being denied such that my compulsions fulfill them?

-weed can range from a sense of connection, wonder and intimacy with myself, with others and with nature to a numbing agent to just subdue subdue subdue myself. Usually this second option is when I haven’t been receiving love from self or otherwise. I’m avoiding the pain of feeling unloved.

-checking out allows me to not fail at something because I never got around to it, it helps me avoid being criticized for not executing something perfectly

-I want validation. I feel bad when I check in with others for it because I want it to come organically. When it does come that way it feels so nourishing. I’m not sure if I need more than I get organically or if I’m still operating under a scarcity model even though I’m no longer living in scarcity.

I don’t want to waste my time.

Cultivate compassion for these needs. Shower them with love and find ways to care for them that are healthy and sustaining.

“Recognize that change comes from finding and meeting repressed needs.”


My Precious

Lately I’ve been working on this little nugget of a dream and it’s germinating and I’m so excited and it’s precious to me.


Spring planning

To harvest:
-dandelion root (to tincture)
-red raspberry leaves (to dry)

To prepare:

-cut compost, topsoil and manure into garden bed
-plant the 3 sisters
-consider fencing


Protected: aging and caring

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Thoughts about love.

I’m moving beyond the exciting feeling of overwhelming love.
I’m moving into exploring the depths of the emotion.

What is it to love deeply?
What is it to love someone who may not return that love?
Does love breed more love?
How has my focus shifting from “looking for love” to “exploring love” changed the way I perceive the love that exists around me?

Does love for people, places, things, and non-human beings have different characteristics from one another?

What is tangible about love?

On this day:

In 2009 – juice is not a meal replacement (but I still enjoy it)
In 2008 – meeting the amazing Julie Keon for the first time
In 2006 – if I had to re-do this today, calling the police would not have happened
In 2005 – back when kindness was a thing we shared


Protected: Mystery

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Protected: thump thump thump

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Hi! How are you?

People say it all the time.

Someone I recently met expressed to me their frustration about this local (to North America, as far as I know) saying/custom/practice. It seems that often, this is said without actually wanting to know how a person is doing. Like, it’s just the thing you say and don’t really expect an answer other than “Fine, and you?” I felt totally on-board with this person’s assessment and thought to myself “I surely never do this”.

But then, in the weeks that passed, I noticed that I do.

More interestingly, I noticed that I do it when I’m uncomfortable or maybe more accurately, unsure, in some way and my “How are you?” becomes shorthand for, “I’m not sure what your energy is right now, and I’d like some kind of verbal indication so I can know how to proceed with this interaction”.

I think that since many people interpret this shorthand as a platitude, I should practice my way toward asking more completely for the information I’m after. I think another part of it is to practice reading non-verbal cues more accurately. And I think part of this practice must also include answering the question fully, when asked of me, if the context is appropriate. I’m not going to tell some random dude at work about my existential crisis, for example. But maybe I would say that I’m feeling on top of my game when it comes to my current projects at the office.

In which ways are you receptive to people’s inquisitiveness about how you are doing? Which approaches turn you away from sharing?

On this day:

in 2014 – Is this a date?
in 2007 – I’m really missing snow


Ancestry, Land, Life, and Death.

On November 25, 1999, my father died.

I didn’t really deal with it. We weren’t close, emotionally. We also lived 5 hours apart from each other and only saw each other a handful of times per year for the last 4 years of his life.

Before his death, he made sure my name was on the deed to his cottage, and he leased it to his friend for fifteen years, so I’d have time to grow the fuck up before having to take care of a property.

For the past few years I knew that once I regained possession, I would sell it. It’s so far away, and inconvenient. But after a year on the market, there have been no bites.

 


 

 

In the past few months, I’ve done some growing inward, outward, and through. I’m seeing the ways in which ancestry and progeny are part of a continuum and also how they are indistinct from one another. I’m seeing the ways in which land and plant and animal are all basically just different parts of a whole. I’m starting to see the ways that souls leave permanent marks.

 


 

 

Percy died.

She came into my life at the time my father died. I have to deal with his death all over again, with this new perspective. But instead of it being a continuation of this end of life, I find myself welcoming my father into my heart. Back into my heart? Into my heart for the first time?

I suddenly feel that it would be a Great Tragedy to sell this land, handed down to me from my father.
We now have a relationship I can manage, I can understand it, where I failed to before. I feel comfort within it. I want to continue to nurture this relationship between me and my father and this land.

But where does that leave me with my living relatives? I feel uncomfortable with some among them. I don’t feel particular close to any, in that chummy way I read about, in that lay-down-our-lives-for-one-another way I see in movies. I don’t know how to pursue bonds that are satisfying. I don’t know how to move on from all the hurts.

I don’t trust them.

I don’t know how to reconcile my desire to honour ancestry and lineage with my lack of ability to connect more deeply with those who remain.

 

On this day:

In 2013 – foundation
In 2007 – cookie dreams
In 2006 – catsup
In 2005 – murder