Coerced Apologies

He would get very upset when I would say true things he didn’t want to hear, or didn’t like. He would demand apologies for them. Even though I told him that I wouldn’t mean it if I said it.

He wanted me to apologize for being true to myself, for sticking up for myself, for having any kind of self-worth. His feelings were more important than the reality of our lives.

Saying I was sorry made my life livable at the time. I’m not sorry. Even though I said I was.

On this day:

In 2010 – how to avoid rape
In 2008 – I really miss having a garden
In 2007 – I used to take drumming lessons!
In 2006 – That time I realized that people actually try to make abortions illegal.
In 2005 – A comedy of errors?

 


Sacred Items

Earlier today, I made this post on Facebook:

I was going to make a real blog post about this but.. *meh* I don’t feel like blogging every passing thing. Isn’t that what facebook is for?

I am feeling so incredibly depleted today. It’s part of many things.

1- I’ve been bringing big, nutritious lunches with me all week and today I didn’t and I didn’t eat my bought food in a timely way.

2- I have low level pervasive stress about the state of my home (messy).

3- I have low level pervasive stress about opening a business and not being able to move forward in a way that works for me, for reasons that are beyond my control.

4- Interrupted solo time.This is one point, but is so so so huge for me. I need solo time so badly.

5- Plans that get half made and end up not really happening.

So I’m giving myself some achievable goals for the rest of today (post-work) and I’m not even going to list them because that’s too much pressure.

and it brought me to wonder about the things which bring me joy.

There are lots and Lots and LOTS of intangible things that bring me joy. There are also physical things that bring me joy, just by having them around my home. They are the kinds of things I feel like I could never have enough of. But I never really thought about them as a class of item, and so I will now. I will start a list.

  • houseplants
  • rocks, crystals, gems
  • beach glass
  • ceramics
  • blankets made of natural fibers
  • beeswax candles

 

 

On this day:

In 2010 – “what the shart?”
In 2007 – I should have called
In 2006 – Percy cuteness!!
In 2005 -


Red Flags

So I have a first date coming up, and yesterday my friends were hanging with me and were all “Lemme see the OKC” and then we looked up the “unacceptable answers” section and. Well… This should be interesting.

Things they won’t like about me:

-I don’t shave my legs unless I feel like it (maybe twice a year)
-I’m not into racist jokes
-I’m not into eugenics
-I have opinions that are important to me
-I’d burn flags before I’d burn books (which is actually not true because I don’t really have flags at my disposal but wow. So. Many. Books.)
-I’m not into guns except for their use in hunting for food purposes.

On this day:

In 2012 – I like weird things
In 2008 – Pregnant with Bobby, eating nothing but garlic bread, pie, and slushies.
In 2006 – That soup is so good. I need to make it again.


Marginalize Abusers

On Friday, I went to a fun dance party that I had never been to before. About halfway into the night, I noticed that this person I have no good feelings for was present and I was pretty upset. Mostly because it was the first time we’d run into each other since then and I just didn’t have some kind of pre-planned emotional reaction.  In that moment, the few people I knew were elsewhere and I was just dancing on my own and basically my whole body turned to *GROAN*.

And I had had some drinks and I was just… unhappy. And I found my date and gave him a brief go-over. He was sweet and asked if I wanted to leave but I said I was fine and I had another drink and just kept a buffer.

But, as the night wore on and I found myself being preoccupied with NOT having fun I started to think more about it like this: Fuck that dude. If either of us is going to feel uncomfortable in a place we are both occupying, it sure as fuck is not going to be ME.

Seriously.

And I totally appreciate the support of maybe I’d want to leave, but that’s just not how I roll. I want to live in a culture where people who violate consent are the ones who feel awful and awkward and marginalized.

On this day:

In 2008 – I was in Italy
In 2007 – I lost my title of Foosball champion
In 2006 – My dead-dad’s website


Amended thoughts

I stopped bringing people through my thought processes and emotional journeys with me. I own those, and it’s on me to work through without imposing that on someone.

I also feel an immense sense of loss at the great love that comes with being so utterly vulnerable.


 

But this isn’t even entirely true. I haven’t really stopped. I stopped sharing so incredibly deeply with Shawn and have started branching out and trying to be more vulnerable, in general, and with a greater number of people I trust. I do feel that great loss, as above, but I’m also gaining deeper connections with a wider variety of people.

And though I mourn experiencing that debilitating level of emotion, I have to admit that it WAS debilitating. It held me so unbelievably close that it was easy to stop being on top of my other, more tangible, things. It was important because it taught me how to be deeply open and I now get to practice those skills with other people, to varying degrees, which brings me many joys.


 

On this day:

In 2013 – working through my life goals
In 2009 – jeans that are like a push up bra for your ass
In 2008 – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH *deep breath* HAHAHAHAHAHA
In 2007 – Seville Oranges


I feel like I am a gift.

I am gingerly unwrapped, with patience and care.

My bow is untied and placed gently aside.
The tape is lifted without any tearing.
My paper is removed then firmly folded down.

Everything that was found within is gathered up and celebrated.

 

On this day:

In 2014 – A reminder of where I can be more efficient
In 2011 – New Sibling Anxiety
In 2007 – I want to know what makes you fart
In 2006 – My adoration of Livejournal
In 2005 – Sometimes I feel like a spectator to my own life


Reasons why I’ve swiped left

swipe left

 

  • All your photos are group photos
  • You are wearing any amount of camouflage print
  • Your profile photo features a car
  • You are wearing sports attire when not doing sports
  • You use the phrase “like-minded” without explaining in which ways (I’ll assume it’s horrible)
  • All your photos are you doing sports
  • Your first photo is of your kid(s)
  • Your first photo is of your pet(s)
  • You are using a gun
  • No photo at all
  • All your photos are from on vacation
  • You state that you are a nice person – hint, if you have to say it, you probably aren’t.
  • You are posing with a famous or hot person for your own vanity
  • You are using a photo from within the gym

On this day:

In 2009 – ANDREA COME BAAAAACK!


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