I’m grieving. I only just realized that’s where I’m at this past Tuesday night. Shawn and I were walking home from the drawing workshop at UQO and I was talking about the ways in which my previous relationship had a negative impact on me.
Through that conversation I realized that I have a lot of hurt from the way that relationship was and that I don’t really know (or remember?) what it’s like to be in a relationship where the other person just isn’t hurtful to me. And not only that, but actively takes steps to prevent me from being hurt. And so I felt really happy and comforted knowing that I have that now but I simultaneously felt really really awful that I didn’t have that with Brent.
And I know all the reasons why we didn’t have that and I’m not here trying to put any blame anywhere. I’m owning my feelings on where I am right now. Grieving a relationship that was never as good as it should have been. Feeling sorry for myself for having missed out on something for so long.
This isn’t a feeling that is new to me. I’ve gone through my fair share of trying life situations which led me to feel sorry for myself and I know this isn’t a feeling that will last forever but it’s one I need to experience fully (but I don’t mean constantly) in order to come out of it in a better place.
On this day: