This is about crying.
I don’t really cry much. Crying alone in my home is too dramatically sad for me to even handle.
Sometimes, when I’m overwhelmed, I cry in front of the kids. I think that’s good. They know I’m human. Bobby asks me why I’m crying and I tell him. He sees me cope with it and pull myself together and then everything is fine.
When I was pregnant with Bobby, I was going through a really hard time because of the tryst. Seeking out a safe spot for crying was a must. When I was at home, it would be in the shower, during band practice, so I could be sure no one would hear me. I felt safe enough to really sob and wail. I would also leave my home super early and get to work before anyone else. I’d be struggling to keep my shit together for the whole bus ride, then once the cold air hit my face, tears would silently roll down my cheeks – out from behind my sunglasses. I would sit at my desk and put my forehead down and let out as much as I could in the hour before any coworkers arrived. Sometimes I wonder if Bobby is so sensitive because I spent so much time crying when he was developing within me. I really only got myself together in the last month of that pregnancy.
Other than my own kids, I have had a hard time crying in front of any people. I cried in front of Brent fairly often, but somehow that was different. It’s like I could be crying or not, it didn’t really make a difference to our interaction. I know that it’s really not a big deal, crying is a biological function and that it’s not only necessary, but helpful. I still find it hard to feel confident in that vulnerability.
A few days ago I unexpectedly let down my cry-shield in Shawn’s presence. It was embarrassing and frightening but also so soothing. It felt great to feel supported through it and I came out of it feeling stronger in some ways (practice in my ability to own my emotions, trust in Shawn to treat me with kindness and caring, you know – that kind of stuff). It was far from the guttural wail and sob of tragedy, but just that bit was a start to letting go some of my tensions, and I’m glad for it.
On this day: