This is probably the most difficult public post I’ve ever written.

First let me tell you about how I normally write blog posts. If its not a regular kid update, I’ll usually sit down to write with a small sentence fragment stuck in my mind and then I just start typing. I add a few reference links and publish and I’m done. I generally don’t even proof read, which I realize I should do, but hey, nobody’s perfect.

This post, however, is concerning a topic that has been on my mind for some time. Over the past week or so, I’ve been writing my own thoughts about it as a note on my phone. I was not intending to publicly post it on the internet so I would just add or amend thoughts as they came to me. This is normally the kind of thing I wouldn’t tell ANYONE unless maybe I was very drunk and they asked the right questions and even then, I would be defensively vague.

So the scary part for me, I’d making this public. And when you read it, you would likely think to yourself ‘Really? This is no big deal. How could this be scary?’ Or maybe you feel the same way I do. Or maybe it enrages you. I don’t know. I haven’t lived your life. The only point of view I understand is my own really. And even then…

So below you have the thoughts and reflections from the past week, rearranged to somewhat resemble a blog post that is coherent to someone other than myself.

______

I don’t know how to want for myself. I don’t know how to be loose and excited and passionate about an endeavor. (There have been pockets in life where I have been able to, when my life was full of people who were all into the same things as me. That’s not currently the case) I fear that if I am that way, then I’ll be very exposed and would easily be made to feel judged, ridiculed, silly. If my motivations are questioned in any way, I totally shut down. I’m not sure I can explain this properly without giving an example.

Let’s say I want to learn how to carve (which I do) and I find some kind of class or school for it (which I have not) and I sign up and I’m totally jazzed about it and tell some people about it. It can go two ways. I could just state that I’m taking the class, or I could go on about how excited I am and what I hope to get out of it and blah blah blah. If the person offers any kind of skepticism in the first scenario, I can shrug that off. But in the second scenario I would feel absolutely horrible.

Some time ago, I’ve come to the realization that, whatever, haters gonna hate. And people judge from a place of insecurity. So I want to not feel afraid, but more than that, I want to know how to want. I’ve spent so much time suppressing my self discovery that I just don’t even know how to go about doing that. I mean it’s not like I’m a carefree teenager with no responsibilities in life.

I could go on and on AND ON about all the reasons that I became this way. And that might give some insight into the reasons WHY but does it really change anything about my situation now? I don’t think so. And I don’t want to publicly drag anyone through the mud for the sake of self exploration.

So where do I go from here? Today, I have no idea. I trust that somehow, the universe will guide me in figuring that out. I just have to pay attention to it.

On this day:

In 2008 – years later, I no longer find that accurate
In 2007 – being a bitch, a how-to guide
In 2005 – social experimentation


4 Comments on “This is probably the most difficult public post I’ve ever written.”

  1. jen says:

    I don’t have any answers but I want you to know you aren’t alone. When I’m excited about something and the people I’m telling aren’t at least excited for me and especially if they are down on it… my bubble gets burst and all the excitement drains out. So I’ve kinda stopped being excited about some things to avoid the disappointment. :(

  2. equivocality says:

    It sounds to me like you have an insecurity about your happiness, and that how much you’re afraid is out-of-proportion to the risk involved. I can completely understand the kind of vulnerability one can feel from something as simple as exposing one’s desires or passions. I remember my parents being indifferent to something as big as my desire to become an artist, to something as small as a new leather wallet, and how heartbroken I would be when they didn’t show any interest in what I held dear. That’s why I used to be so guarded about so much, and it definitely affected me negatively much later in life.

    I’d recommend trying out thought-records as a form of cognitive therapy. Some people have successfully cured things like fear of flying by using them, and it cured my social anxiety, where I couldn’t even walk into a bar cause I thought something would go wrong (and I couldn’t even explain what, this phobia was so illogical). The concept is that through constant, logical re-evaluation and reinforcement, you eventually realize that there’s no evidence to support how scared or insecure you feel about certain things (not to say you shouldn’t be scared at all, as that would be just as unhealthy and possibly even dangerous, just that it should be in proportion to the risk and consequence). Shutting down is a useful defence mechanism in coping with specific circumstances at certain stages in our lives, but to carry that into other stages when we’ve left those circumstances behind is not healthy. And to keep things like hopes and dreams from those who do care can hurt and stifle our relationships with them.

  3. slizzrd says:

    I feel the exact same way. I feel like if someone expresses skepticism about one of my ideas, that I’m not *allowed* to do it somehow. and there’s so many things I don’t try because I’m afraid of looking stupid.

    • Tiana says:

      I also sometimes feel like, why should I do X if I have no demonstrated ability in it. I can feel the judging eyes just thinking about it!


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