I often miss living alone.
I like feeling like I have an entire space to myself to do whatever I like at any volume.
I like putting something in a spot and it not moving unless I move it.
I like the freedom of not being accountable to housemates.
But I ALSO super love living with my partner, and my kids, and my best-ever room-mate. There are so many benefits to living together the way that we do, and they overshadow those items above.
One of the things that I adore about being in an open relationship is when Shawn has a date and I do not have plans of any kind, other than with my self. He gets to go out and socialize and romance and do whatever the heck he wants and I get to stay home and blast a play list and clean out the disgusting fridge.
Seriously. It had a SMELL.
And then later, when we get the chance to reconnect, I’m in a better space because I met my own needs and Shawn is in a better place because he has had some new and stimulating experiences and we get to share with each other and bring a richness to each others’ lives that we wouldn’t have had without our time apart.
I love being social, in and out of my home, but I also love my alone time. It gives me the mental space to organize my life and to re-charge so I can be an active participant in social time.
On this day:
in 2013 – about walking back into the shadows of my past, to bring out the light and heal
in 2012 -
in 2011 – I forgot that Baby Molly’s hair was so curly. I’d like to say that she’s less messy of an eater now but actually, the opposite is the truth.
in 2010 -
in 2009 -
in 2008 -
in 2007 – I’m still really into 3 of these things
in 2006 – I AM WEARING THAT SCARF RIGHT NOW! And also, that spending budget did not last long but the grocery budget really really did!
Me on a first date – Totally just being myself.
Me on a second date – Totally just being myself, but maybe I’m also naked.
Me on a third date – Hmm maybe I like this person quite a bit?
Me on a fourth date – AGGG ANXIETY! I don’t even know how to be!!!!
~this is where things get complicated~
On this day:
Remember how I mentioned that Terri and I are staying at a beautiful cabin for a weekend in October? I think about it every danged day. I am SO excited!
And then you know what happened? I started a shared spreadsheet on search-engine-drive and I love it sooo much. It makes planning something like this so easy and also hilarious because I get to write things like “I don’t even OWN pj’s!” or “Bring paper diary – It’s empty because the internet is my real diary”. We also get to do useful things like plan meals and make sure we don’t forget any necessities.
I think I need more shared documents in my life. Do you use them? Tell me all about it because I’m totally into it right now.
On this day:
In 2008 – and six years later, it is FINALLY my reality
In 2007 –  now I want to make crepes!  that pilates class was TERRIBLE!
In 2006 – I’m not convinced my toe was actually broken
In 2005 – I have FEELINGS about METAL SHOWS
Not so many administrations ago, “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and “Dirty Dancing” and a handful of other films dared to deal with abortion, off-camera and usually a little off the main plotline, as a medical option chosen by a sympathetic young woman dictated by the machinations of the screenplay, usually with the help of sperm donated by a dislikable supporting character.
Then, gradually and then almost entirely, nobody on screen had them anymore. “Juno,” “Knocked Up” and so many others took a pregnancy to term without many second thoughts, ushering in a narrower set of options. Few, if any, films of any size risked losing half or more of its collective audience (the divides falling along political rather than gender lines) by treating a woman’s right to choose as an acceptable storytelling decision.
In the last couple of decades, we’ve seen more portrayals of audience-friendly serial killers on TV and in the movies than we have of major female characters who terminate an unwanted pregnancy without being overtly punished or covertly marginalized (the gynecological history of Sandra Oh’s character on “Grey’s Anatomy” notwithstanding).
When I saw that this was playing at an independent theatre I could get to without driving, on a day that I didn’t have the kids and no other plans I shouted LET ME GIVE YOU ALL MY MONEY because really now. Abortions are a fact of life for many women/people with ovaries and a uterus and goodness I love a film that makes one reflect upon the human experience and you know, I guess most movies just forget that women are humans.
ANYWAY… Robyn and I went to see the movie and some things I read about it is that it is a comedy but it’s not really all that funny (but I am not the hugest comedy fan since I find so much of it to be oppressive – oh how I love accidental injury comedy though) and it even isn’t THAT compelling of a story. It’s basically just a regular life story of a woman who has an abortion for reasons. Her reasons. And that was great. Oh can I give that movie all my money again? Ok, ok I will!
The part that I liked the most was the scene where the lead character has just had an abortion and is chilling in the recovery room with all these other women who are there for the same thing. I had both of my abortions in a hospital setting and it’s done on a specific day of the week so all the abortions for that week happen on that day and everyone is there for the same thing but everyone is just kind of quiet.
It’s a kind of silent solidarity. A reverent moment. A safe space.
On this day:
In 2009 – the games bus drivers play
In 2007 – 6 years of no dentist = lots of work on my teeth
In 2006 – My recap and thoughts on my marriage preparation class as provided by The Roman Catholic Church
In 2005 – A photo of me eating a hotdog
I have an ongoing list of blog posts I want to make. Sometimes I get a bit worried that I’ll forget my inspiration for my meaningful writings. I guess I’m writing this right now to reassure myself that I have a list and that I will get to them when I will and that is ok.
Right now I’m floating on a cloud of happiness. I had a wonderful evening yesterday with all kinds of interrelated factors.
Shawn and I made dinner and ate together. He was inspired to make Yorkshire pudding and I made (honestly, kind of sub-par) roasted veggies and gravy. But it was nice to work together and share the meal. He’d been sick all day and we took some time to check in and have good snuggles.
Terri decided to rent a a beautiful cabin in late October and invited me to join her and I was super excited because spending time with Terri is super fun. It’s a good mix of silly chats, serious chats, and silence. Also I love nature love love love want to live in it forever but with toilets and a shower ok yay!
I spent some time with a newish lover and had nice chats and very nice Definitely Not Chats and then felt great biking home in the cool night air.
Coming home and sharing news of my evening with Shawn and cuddling into bed and having a really solid and refreshing night of sleep.
This is more about today but that’s ok. It’s my list and I make the rules for it. Checking out the website for the cabin and like, seriously becoming almost teary about how beautiful it seems and how wonderful it will be to spend a weekend there.
On this day:
In 2013 – ugh ugh ugh LOVE IS GREAT! But seriously (not that I wasn’t being serious). I have seen myself change and grow so much over the last 2-3ish years and I’m super happy.
In 2007 – plastified dead bodies and my fear of my sister
I’m pretty sure I can’t seriously date anyone who doesn’t have an interest in reading my blog. Bonus points if they read past entries from before we met.
On this day:
In 2006 – it was one of those situations where the next day I had so many better things to say…
Last night I was thinking about how I used to make 10 layer lasagna from scratch. And Bread. And granola bars. And crackers and basically everything I ate and fed my family for 3 meals a day – pretty much every day.
I was thinking about how there are certain meals I miss eating and jeez-oh-why was I no longer making them? BECAUSE THEY TAKE ALL DAMN DAY. Which was fine when I was living a life in the middle of nowhere, with nothing nearby to do, and with a partner who was not interested in doing anything to help me pursue any of my interests or maintain relationships with friends and family (other than THEIR friends and family). In that particular case, it was very easy for me to do domestic labour all the time. It was the only thing that wasn’t met with any resistance.
But now there are about 1000 other things that take up my time and energize my soul and when I balance any of those things against staying in all day to make home made ravioli with a variety of fillings, well, the time-intensive home cooking very rarely wins out.
So then I was thinking about how I can integrate my desire for yummy long-prep foods with the fact that I have a fucking enriching life and there are some good gems in there.
1-Get the whole household on-board with sharing the labour (this is mostly in full-effect at the dear old Foxhole)
2-Make it a social event! Last winter, I hosted a Pot-Pie making party and it was a big success and everyone got to go home with some great home-made food after having shared in the work to make it and having had a nice meal together. I will need to do this again!
3-figure out how to cut corners. This can mean making bigger batches of time-intensive things and freezing some of it. Our freezer is pretty small and pretty full though. I need to give this item more thought.
Anyways, fuck the patriarchy and fuck domestic labour as a tool of oppression.
On this day:
in 2013 - I guerilla-planted some tomatoes. It was really fun and I actually want to do more to get edible plants just growing all over my neighbourhood
in 2012 - Turns out, I was pregnant after all. I had an abortion and I probably blogged about that in detail shortly after.
in 2008 - honestly, Guitar Hero makes me want to vomit. I have such a negative association with it, it’s UNREAL
in 2007 - sexism in sports SO SURPRISING
in 2006 - a recipe!!!