The worst part of our trip to Vancouver

We had flown across the country and explored a city, on foot, non-stop save for 8 hours of sleep per night, for 3 days. The only alone-awake time I had was when I was pooping. I was feeling terribly irritable and we had just gotten on a greyhound bus and all I wanted to do was look out the window in silence, but that was not to be. I didn’t yet know I was at my absolute limit on socialization.

I knew I had limits. I’ve passed them before, without paying too much attention and just recovering by being a hermit for a day. On a vacation in another city, with my partner, on my way to visit his family for the first time, not socializing was not a possibility.

At the end of the greyhound ride, I had it figured out and was able to vocalize it. “I need some alone time”, just as the first of 4 relatives, the people with whom we would spend all our time over the next two days, pulled into the parking lot to pick us up.

I tried, and I know I failed, to be the me that is ready for this, the me that has a full battery-pack of social energy and knows how to use it. So we visited with family for 2 days, and I engaged as much as I could on the little energy I had, and it was painful. I knew I was giving a terrible impression and yet there was nothing I could do to change that course, right in that moment.

Anyway. It felt tense to me.

And then we went off and I was able to do things that replenish me, like sit in silence and reflect on all the things I had done over the now 5 days and figure out a way to still do as much as we wanted and also have time so I could process the events and not just keep all those thoughts and events in the “to file” part of my brain.

So this was basically the worst part of my trip because it was that moment when I said “Oh wow – I am at my absolute LIMIT right now, and yet, I can not step back for another 2 days” but it was ALSO a really great thing to go through, in the grand scheme of My Life, because it helped me put together the puzzle of emotional warning signs, level of interaction, level of activity, and time, into one package and I now have a greater understanding of how to practice self-care preemptively.

On this day:

In 2013 – feeling the feelings
In 2012 – unpacking my baggage
In 2007 – I don’t remember why I was getting up so early
In 2006 – It’s really embarrassing that there are things on this to-do list that I have still not done.
In 2005 – oh that coat. I think I wore it this one time and then traded it for the sourest lemon pie of all time.

I’m looking.

I’m looking for a word that describes the peace and joy of being in nature.

I’m looking for a word that encompasses the cozy feeling of being wrapped in a warm blanket and drinking hot cocoa with a cold nose and fingers from being outdoors.

I’m looking for a word that encapsulates the energetic feeling of being inspired and motivated to create because of being in a new situation.

I’m looking for a word that identifies the yearning to go out into the world to explore and learn.

I’m looking for a word that communicates the sensation of fingers running over perfectly textured paper.

I’m looking for a way to describe the complicity between people and their surroundings and the plants and the animals.

On this day:

In 2013 – sweaty teenage years
In 2006 – injury
In 2005 – photos of childbirth. I don’t even know why I posted this.

It’s ok to feel angry.

Yesterday I had a super awesome day where Terri and I  went back to that farm with the great cabin and had their 3 course lunch. This time, we brought Shawn and Gen with us. I will do an in-depth post about this later.

Then I got to start a huge fire for the people there (I am great at starting fires if I have a match or a lighter. I wonder how good I’d be at other methods…)

Then home to lounge in bed, watch some shows, get sexy, get takeout then….

I started testing out a Commander deck for MTG and it’s a terrible deck and I was so bitter about it not working the way I wanted it to and I got very frustrated and wanted to burn all the cards in the fire.

I was frustrated with Shawn for having decks that are irritating to play against and for making the construction process of my deck difficult and I could never actually get my concept to work and GAH GAH GAH. I had to be angry about it.

There was such good in it. It was good to just feel my “bad” emotions and to feel safe to do so with/at my partner. I blew off some steam, poked him in the belly a whole bunch and we got over it with a bunch of giggles.

So for a bit I felt like “This Whole Day Is RUINED” but turns out the whole thing was actually super perfect.

On this day:

In 2010 – why are drafting tables so ugly?
In 2006 – list of reasons I identified with feminism at the time ( I still do, my list is more nuanced now)
In 2005 – I’m not a fucking doctor

This is where my needs are

I know it’s a Friday night and I could be out at a super hip party right now but my date cancelled and although I have a bunch of other great friends I could go with, I’m super pumped that I just figured out that I could organize my bras, undies, and socks in three small stacked drawers of my dresser in a way reflective of how they go on my body.

Top drawer – bras
Middle drawer – undies/tights
Bottom drawer – socks/legwarmers

On this day:

In 2007 - some jobs I forgot to put on that jobs list, and a brief overview of female genitals
In 2006 – I had “clean work keyboard” on this to-do list and I know for a fact that I didn’t do it until June 20th 2008 because I took                    off every single key and cleaned it that day in an acute nesting phase then gave birth to Bobby the next day.
In 2005 – That time I designed newspaper boxes and they’re all over campus still

On hurting your child for the entertainment of others.

So there’s that video going around about parents telling their kids that they ate all the Halloween candy. It’s supposed to be funny and I find it so very cruel. Why?

Kids have very little control over their lives. They don’t work and earn money and support themselves. They are at the mercy of their parents/guardians and only have as much control as their parents let them/they are developmentally ready to handle.

When they feel like they have something that they earned (in this case, by going door to door and receiving such gifts of candy) and that gets taken away from them, for no actual good reason, I am not surprised that they react badly. Their parent’s have violated their trust.

NOW add on top of that, it is just a joke for the benefit of some cable late night show, and I’m sickened.  A couple of the kids are fine with it, and that’s great. They have been raised to have skills to adapt to this change of expectation. Those skills are outside the norm for the age group represented. YES I get that for an adult it’s like, “ha ha, just kidding here is your candy!” but it doesn’t seem to me like these are just dramatic reactions. These children and genuinely hurt and upset. The parents in these clips either don’t know their children well enough to understand that they will not handle this prank well, or just don’t care because they want to get on tv. What the fuck? What the ACTUAL fuck?

This is not parenting with care. This is not creating a safe and trusting environment for children. These are people who are learning how to grow up and be well-adjusted in society and what does this teach them? Does this teach them anything other than to be distrustful of the people who should be the MOST invested in creating healthy relationships with them?

On this day:

In 2009 – ouf
In 2007 – all the jobs I’d had up until that point.
In 2006 – when I have PMS and can’t have the food I want, I cry and cry and cry
In 2005 – I love steak

A conversation that never ends.

I made some tweets using the #beenrapedneverreported hashtag. I was terrified to do the first one. And then the next day I did three more.

My world didn’t explode, but I also didn’t cross-post them to Facebook, as I usually do.

I’m concerned about backlash from the person they reference, but also, these are all undeniably true occurrences. I was reading a post about emotional abuse just moments ago and many of the ways to tell if you are being emotionally abused applied to our relationship. Here are the applicable ones (bold indicates what I relate to):

Abusive ExpectationsMakes impossible demands, requires constant attention, and constantly criticizes.

Constant ChaosDeliberately starts arguments with you or others. May treat you well in front of others, but changes when you’re alone.

Rejecting – Refusing to acknowledge a person’s value, worth or presence. Communicating that he or she is useless or inferior or devaluing his or her thoughts and feelings.

Denying – Denies personal needs (especially when need is greatest) with the intent of causing hurt or as punishment. Uses silent treatment as punishment. Denies certain events happened or things that were said. Denies your perceptions, memory and sanity by disallowing any viewpoints other than their own which causes self-doubt, confusion, and loss of self-esteem.

Emotional BlackmailUses guilt, compassion, or fear to get what he or she wants.

Invalidation – Attempts to distort your perception of the world by refusing to acknowledge your personal reality. Says that your emotions and perceptions aren’t real and shouldn’t be trusted.

IsolatingReducing or restricting freedom and normal contact with others.

Minimizing – A less extreme form of denial that trivializes something you’ve expressed as unimportant or inconsequential.

Unpredictable ResponsesGets angry and upset in a situation that would normally not warrant a response. You walk around on eggshells to avoid any unnecessary drama over innocent comments you make. Drastic mood swings and outbursts.

I can’t find a link to the original source. I’ll update if I find it.


On this day:
In 2008 – I miss Bruce
In 2007 – A pumpkin and humping dogs
In 2005 – I really like dates where I don’t have to do any of the planning, but where some planning has gone into it.

I have a process.

It goes like this:

  1. Identify something about my life that isn’t really working for me.
  2. Think about it a WHOLE LOT, there might be some anguish.
  3. Get into a particular frame of mind, take a long hot shower.
  4. Write about it (on paper if it’s not completely resolved, as a blog post if I feel like I’ve come to at least a certain set of conclusions and can jump off again from there.)
  5. Take a deep breath and feel way better

But people!!! I have been stuck just before point 3 for like, a whole week! I have not had time to just be on my own and contemplate and resolve. I have snippets of thoughts and feelings that I’ve come to but I haven’t had a stretch of 2 hours while alone AND awake where I could really just flesh it out. It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m dealing with something HUGE HUGE HUGE and I just want to close the first of many chapters and I have yet to be able to.

At the same time, I don’t particularly feel like I want to go into hermit-mode but I may have to? Maybe just for a day or two anyway. I haven’t scheduled any space in my life until… *sigh* next Sunday. OUF. This usually means I end up cancelling on people which I actually do not want to do.


On this day:

In 2010 – I got an iPhone!
In 2006 – Back when meal planning was a thing I did
In 2005 – A link to photoshop contest entries? Weird


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