Nearly a year ago, I had a tubal ligation (summarized in ONE TWO THREE parts). I was fortunate that I had this as a birth control option, and that it was covered by my provincial health care plan. I paid not one cent for this (other than paying my taxes because I’m a pro-taxation person). I had lots of really great reasons for doing this:
- I have two wonderful children
- Pregnancy is hard on me in many ways, the most significant being severe depression
- IUD and chemical birth control don’t work for me, I don’t want to rely solely on barrier methods
Even though this is 100% what I wanted, I still struggle with the fact that I am now infertile.
-Now and then, I get the baby rabies, although it’s definitely not as intense or long-lasting as back when I was trying to conceive.
-My partner speaks about wanting kids someday and we have the kind of relationship that allows him the space to pursue this but part of me is all I want to help you do this and my first instinct on that is Make A Baby In Me but there are so many other options so after feeling sad for a day I move on.
-I’m in a situation where having the type of birth I had wanted would be fully supported and I feel like I missed out on what could have been a more amazing experience.
For the past few days, I’ve had feelings of nausea whenever I ate. I thought to myself, there is a chance the tubal ligation didn’t fully work. There’s no way to test it other than waiting to see if I ever become pregnant again. And then I realized that I haven’t taken my B-12 since I moved in September and my old anemia symptoms are coming back.
I don’t regret the choice I made to have this surgery, but sometimes I still feel like I’m grieving something. That’s ok. That’s making real choices in life.
On this day:
In 2008 – “that hot chocolate is better than average sex”
In 2007 – that time I was taking care of my MIL’s dogs while pregnant and being barely able to function
In 2006 – I still dig that alarm clock
Not sending out Christmas cards
Skipping this saves me so much time and effort. Folks I know, I love you!!!! You don’t need a card from me though. Let’s hang out.
I guess, just skipping the crappy parts of Christmas all-together
I love getting gifts, and I love giving just the right gifts, but I’m just stepping away from this whole consumerist x-mas mess. I got my kids a total of 3 things. All are things they can play together, that build strategies and imagination. Those are all the gifts I’m buying. We will make some gifts for people we love, as we feel like it, over the holidays. We will spend time with our loved ones and a nice amount of downtime. This is so non-stress, I’m loving it.
My level of scheduled activity
I’ve been committing less of my time to things lately. Not, that’s not even true. I’ve been committing my time only to things I’m excited about lately. I don’t want to die wishing I spent more time doing things I love, and I only have so much time in a day, so that means not doing things I don’t love. Or, only doing things I don’t love as maintenance on the things I DO love (like cleaning out the cat litter). I like looking forward to my alone time and not feeling the need to be productive every minute. It gives me more energy to have more quality productive time.
Getting involved in my community
I’m on the board for my local rec. centre and doing work with another community group and so far, I really enjoy it. I’m still waiting to see exactly how I can be most effective but I have high hopes!
What are you happy about?
For real, I have an account and sometimes tweet via other apps but I NEVER read twitter ever. I do not miss it at all.
On this day:
I spent so many years being pretty much dormant. I tried to fill the emptiness in my life with hobbies that were invariably short-lived. I thought I needed to produce THINGS to feel fulfilled and accomplished. But really, I just need to be growing as a person.
“Just” makes it seem simple but it’s not. It’s difficult to balance the need to be happy and content with where I am against the world around me and my inner desire working to push me into some kind of evolution. It seems anytime I take stock and think to myself that I’m pleased with where I am, something changes and I need to readjust and learn and practice and accept and be patient and take charge and relax and be diligent. So many things! I can’t tackle all things in the same ways that I have known. It’s sometimes unhealthy and it’s often quite draining. I need to focus my strengths where they will be best-suited and work on my weaknesses at a pace that doesn’t deplete me.
I want to focus on:
-finding a useful and enjoyable place within my new community
-making sure to spend good time with my good friends
-growing my kids into beings of love and kindness and social conscience while engaging them at their level and challenging them in pertinent ways
-letting go of my need for external validation
I think I’ve been over-reaching and I’ve needed to step back and assess what is truly important for me right now. The list above is the foundation I will need to be able to reach farther in the future.
On this day:
The big topic this morning is the snow. In Ottawa, we woke up to a foot and a half of it, the majority of it having fallen after midnight. There are some things I don’t like about winter. Most of them have to do with transporting kids and snowsuits.
But I sure do love massive amounts of snow. It changes the quality of the light. It softens the harsh noises of the city. It gets all those driving cars to slow down a little, and be mindful of the people around them. It has neighbours laughing, commiserating and helping each other dig their way out of their homes.
I feel like other seasons are about adventure and exploring and freedom. Winter is about caring and bonding.
On this day: